None of the Focus

Song of the Day: I Want To Hold Your Hand by The Beatles

Herp all the derps. I have zero focus. Which sucks because I have an assignment I need to do since I can't do it tomorrow night because I have my first orchestra concert of college! Mucho excited. It's going to be awesome. Plus I'll be dressed as Ramona Flowers, so how could it be bad?

So basically I'm blogging because I can't focus on homework. After this I'm going to make cinnamon hot chocolate, try to do homework and end up daydreaming about December. At least I know myself well enough to acknowledge that -.- I shouldn't sound so grumpy, I'm actually pretty damn happy right now. Things are good. I like it when things are good.

Unfortunately, when things are good I run out of things to say because nothing is easier than complaining xD I could rant about what's so great, but that gets annoying. To me. I love it when other people talk about why they're happy, but it annoys me to watch myself do it =p #logic

I'm supposed to meet with an accompanist tomorrow. I'm kinda nervous because Emily is the only person who's ever accompanied me, and I usually don't use an accompanist at all. I have no idea how to interact with him. I am a socially awkward penguin.

I just saw a video of the cast and crew of Doctor Who dancing to 500 Miles. All of the awards.

Okay. Really gonna attempt to go work. I'm going straight up Larry the cucumber right now. OH WHEEEEEEERE IS MY FOCUS? OH WHEEEEEEEEEEEEERE IS MY FOCUS?

It's been dark for so long that it feels way later than it is. Also, I slept very little and that's contributing as well. I just started a sentence with "also" and ended it with "as well." Is that even allowed? Hell if I know.

Okay I'm not posting again until I actually have something to say. Good night.

I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you. -5 Years Time, Noah and the Whale

The Insecurity Sessions

Song of the Day: For Emma by Bon Iver

The comments on my latest video are the most consistently lengthy comments I've ever had. But I love them. I hope I'm not coming on too strong in this comment conversation with Michael. The whole subject gets me really heated which makes me express my opinions enthusiastically, so even when I intend to be respectful it can look like I'm being aggressive. I appreciate the respectful opinion-sharing, Michael! I promise I'm not trying to stab you through the screen, I really do appreciate the conversation and your opinions! I just disagree.

Anywho. Know what's awesome? Hot chocolate with cinnamon in it. And I have a bigass mug of it so I'll probably either be in a coma or bouncing off the walls within the hour. I lead a really fascinating life.

College is awesome. I wish I talked to my friends more. The ones who don't live here.

You know what's a funny saying? When people tell you to grow some balls and mean "toughen up." Is there anything LESS tough?? I mean it's not men's fault in the slightest, it's just a biological thing. But somehow we equate men with being tough, and that's the distinguishing feature between a man and a woman I suppose? Just saying.

My mind is everywhere except my homework right now. There's this problem where I have tons of time between my classes so I'm like, "I can totally do this tomorrow." Which I can, no problem. But then I sit here wasting time, half-attempting to do it instead of closing my laptop and picking up a book or skyping a friend (Abbie). Things so much bigger than me keep happening and I'm trying to get used to it. Also, trying to be taken seriously. Being a five-foot-tall girl without any particular strength makes that tough. Especially when my instrument is as big as I am (I forget how dumb I look carrying it until someone who isn't used to me makes a comment). I basically can't afford to be dumb or sub-par because I'm in settings where people don't know me and have no reason to respect me until I give them one. That will be the worst thing about being last chair. I know someone has to be, but it breeds assumptions. Like, this is what I DO, I should at least be decent at it. And if my wrist keeps trying to make me stop practicing and I'm just like No, that's not an option. Shut up.

Wow. This has been an Insecurity Session with Emma. If I were a musician, I'd put out an album called The Insecurity Sessions. Maybe. I just think it sounds cool.

I'm gonna go think about stuff and get nothing done.

Face forward, move slow / Forge ahead. -The Captain, Guster

Just A Wee Post

Song of the Day: Measurements by James Blake

It is late (11:00 qualifies as late when you get up at 6:30 every day). I am sleepy. And I can not, for the life of me, focus.

I'm hoping this is a problem that will go away (or at least significantly decrease) over time as I become used to homework again. It's partially my Women's Studies textbook; it's saying very interesting and thought-provoking things, but the way it says them makes me want to strangle Muppets. It's like they wrote a sentence that made sense, and then used a thesaurus on every damn word to make it way more dull, tedious and complicated than it needed to be. I have no problem with big words. But I do have a problem with things being harder than they need to be, especially in the context of a textbook, where clear, concise communication of ideas is more important than fluffiness. Don't try to impress me with your annoying way of saying things, just EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATE THE IDEA. I can not process information this way. By the time I figure out what a sentence is trying to say, I've forgotten the idea of the paragraph and have to go back and reread it. And since my brain has realized this is happening, it shuts down and won't focus on the text. Which is bad.

I really just wanted to rant about that. I could rant about other things, but that would take even more time and would go around in circles with no conclusion. And that, my friends, is annoying.

I'm really concerned that I won't progress quickly enough in music. Like, we already have a seating test coming up next week. Most of our music is totally unplayable for me as of right now, much less at the speed it needs to be. Two hours a day of practice is doable, but so far doesn't do anything but frustrate me. I hope it starts to pay off. I'm really sick of being sub-par and I want my work to show.

Okay. I have a gap between classes tomorrow that I was going to use for practicing, but am now going to use to finish my WS homework. Sleep is more important now.

For the record, I am happy. Just temporarily frustrated and trying to think about too many things. But, in general, things are actually pretty awesome. Minus the sick.

Trees in clouds, testing doubt / trying not to be too old. -Measurements, James Blake