Get Your Own Damn Shoes

Song of the Day: Allemande from Suite #3 in C Major by J.S. Bach

I think I've finally pinpointed what it is that I so dislike about my current job: it makes me everything I try so hard not to be. Did that sentence make ANY sense?

For one, it makes me fake and phony. I'm supposed to make fast friends with everyone who walks through the door, regardless of how they treat me. Anywhere outside of work, I would not take orders or waste time on someone who acted like I was a robot built to cater to their every whim. But once I'm inside that store, that's exactly what I'm being paid (I use "paid" very loosely) to do. And I'd sure as hell better do it with a smile, too. Which is difficult because a) I can't smile knowing that I'm playing the part of Cheesy Salesperson and b) I'm already predisposed to dislike these people because they are spending around $100 on a pair of shoes. I mean...really? The ONLY reason I have a pair of my store's shoes is because I got them for free. No way could I afford them normally.

It also makes me grumpy by extension. Dealing with the rude dumbasses all day (note: some customers are very nice and respectful, and I appreciate those ones) puts me in such a bad mood. "I have Plantar Fasciitis, so the ball of my foot hurts." "No. That is not Plantar Fasciitis, you twit." I don't expect everyone to know what PF is, but I DO expect the people who claim to have to know what it is and to have been diagnosed by a doctor rather than going, "My foot hurts. Must be that problem I've heard about on TV!" That's like thinking you have lung cancer because you coughed. Take a minute to do some research so you don't waste my time here. Like Pink says, I was fine before you walked into my life. Store, rather.

My biggest problem is the bit about being fake. I have to act like nothing makes me happier than getting these people a zillion pairs of shoes while they take a year to make up their damn mind. And it's amazing how simple it is to make it better. A "thank you" or an "I appreciate you bringing all these" does so much to let me know you don't think I was created for the sole purpose of serving you. Hey, I'm a human being. Imagine that! I always love when people start ragging on me for a problem they had with an order or something and I want to yell, "HEY. Did you maybe consider asking if I'm the person who can help you with that? Maybe checking to see if I handled the order and am therefore to blame? No. You stormed right in here, expecting me to drop everything for you and help you with a problem that had nothing to do with me. The best way I can help you is to find someone who can actually resolve the situation." It would be SO easy to walk up and say, "Hi, I have a question. *briefly describe problem* Are you the right person to talk to about that?" Because when they go on a tirade to me and then I finally get a word in to tell them I need to go get a full-timer's assistance, they get pissed and feel like their time is being wasted. It's all about prevention, people.

Speaking of tirades, I'll end mine here. Happy post tomorrow.

I'm not here for your entertainment / You don't really wanna mess with me tonight / Just stop and take a second / I was fine before you walked into my life. -U + Ur Hand, P!nk

I Can't Hug Every Suicidal Cat

Song of the Day: Call and Answer by Barenaked Ladies

Welp, I've only missed one day of BEDA so far so I might as well attempt to keep up with the rest of it.

I just wrote three paragraphs on why people write and then deleted it. It didn't feel like I was contributing anything, and that is a very unpleasant(ly familiar) thought. The only reason people do anything is to feel like they've made a difference one way or another. If we matter to ourselves, we feel like we matter to other people. We've got this weird idea that if we're not doing huge monumental things, we don't "matter." Well guess what? If you know someone, you matter.

I know it's a touchy subject, but this is sort of why suicide makes my brain go in circles. One of my best friends was considering it at one point, even attempted it (I didn't find out until after the fact). And when I did find out, it was so hard not to be angry. I know she was sad and that some things in her head were severely wrong (and that's exactly what kept me from being angry), but what I couldn't understand was that she forgot that she mattered to people. Wherever her mind was, it wasn't remembering me or her parents or her little sister, and how all of us would have been permanently fucked up had she succeeded. I know that's why people tend to say suicide is a selfish act; and it is, for someone in a healthy mental state. Thing is, someone who wants to kill themselves is not, for whatever reason, healthy.

It's so disgustingly selfish for me to sit here and think about how it would have affected ME if she had died, and I have no defense for that. But I won't pretend I wouldn't be irrevocably broken if someone I loved that much wanted to leave me. Because that's what it was...some part of her was saying, "You want to get out of here, and the people who love you aren't enough." It was lying, but it was saying it just the same.

The thing was, I had no idea. None at all. It's made me paranoid ever since. Not just with her behavior, but with everyone's. I can't be genuinely or intentionally mean to people because the voice in the back of my head is saying, "Don't be the tipping point."

Maybe what frustrated me was that I couldn't have done anything for her even if I'd known. I was already there for her, I already told her I loved her. I know my presence wasn't the problem, in fact she told me it's part of what kept her even a little bit sane. Okay, so that's one. What about the others? I can't find all of the sad people and tell them it will be okay. And why do I feel like it falls to me in the first place? ("I can't hug every cat!") I can't fully empathize. I've barely even been depressed; at least not severely and not for a prolonged period of time. Just a time when there was no area between Laughing and Sad. Just the two. And the laughter happened less.

I'm all for sadness and anger and all that, because without those you can't appreciate happiness. But, when all is said and done, I just really want everyone to be okay.

You are not alone in this / As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand / hold your hand / ... / But I can't move the mountains for you. -Timshel, Mumford & Sons

Ramblin' Is Expensive Nowadays

Song of the Day: Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes by Paul Simon

It was suggested by my lovely friend Abbie that I write about travel today. So here goes. (Disclaimer: The following entry is going to make me sound whiny and ungrateful. I am neither. Just a wee bit thirsty for adventure).

My top 5 destination goals are as follows, in no particular order: Egypt, Tanzania, Vienna, New Zealand, and the American West. I'll delve into the Why of each one and try to keep it short.

Egypt: I love how Egypt is steeped in history. In America, our recorded history only goes back a few hundred years, so my mind is boggled a little when I'm presented with artifacts/monuments that go back THOUSANDS of years. Take a second and think about how many years a thousand is. Right? Damn.

I always liked mythology, both Greek and Egyptian. I love how human all the gods tended to be, and how devoted the humans were anyway. Sometimes I hear about the "perfect" God nowadays and I can't help but think, how can I possibly trust or relate to a perfect being? He can never understand me fully. And the argument is "Yes he can, he's PERFECT." Okay, fine, but if the assumption is that said perfection means he's never made a mistake, he can not--in an empathetic, firsthand way--understand and forgive mine. I don't know, a "perfect" god just makes me very uncomfortable. But I digress.

Ancient Egyptian culture is just such a 180 from everything I know, and I find that exciting. The reverence, the superstition, the "how the FUCK did they build something that big??" It's all fascinating.

^Seriously though. How??

Tanzania: Not gonna lie. The Lion King. I want to see Mount Kilimanjaro and the grassland that lies at its feet. I'm so in love with the idea of the wild side of Africa. From everything I've seen, there is an unrivaled spirit in Africa--in the land and the people--despite how very fucked up parts of it are, and I want to experience that. Maybe it's the naive white girl talking but...Africa, you know?

Vienna: Mozart. The king of "Hey, look what I can do!" Vienna is the Mecca of classical musicians and I can definitely feel its pull. While I definitely have a run-around-barefoot-pretending-to-be-a-lion side, I also have a side that enjoys classiness and culture. In very small doses, of course =p But to hear a symphony in Vienna...yikes. Plus I've been to a small bit of Europe (for which I am very thankful) and would love to see more of it.

New Zealand: I fell in love with New Zealand after watching The Lord of the Rings. Watching the films it's easy to think that they enhanced the landscape, but then you see the behind-the-scenes footage and it's just as beautiful. It seems so hard to find truly wild places, and New Zealand seems to be one of those places. I'd just really love a 360-degree view instead of the one I get through my television screen. It's like time forgot to keep going in places; how could there not be adventures happening?

And at last, we come to The American West: I'm not sure when my fascination with America itself started. Maybe it was when I watched "Wild America" all those years ago (I still love that movie). But America fascinates me in its variation. Any kind of landscape you want, you can probably find in the States! The land varies so much and the people right along with it. And something about the West captivates me. I've seen the coast (as far south as San Francisco), but there are other states that qualify as the West, where the gold and cowboys happened: Wyoming, Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, all that good stuff. I'm interested in that period of America's history (although I find just about all of America's history interesting and wish I could retain it better). To be fair, I'm aware that I like the romanticized version: the wagon caravans, cowboys and their horses sleeping under the stars before there was light pollution, main street shootouts where the good guy almost always wins, guitars and harmonicas and the ability to ride wherever the hell you felt like riding. Back to the Future's version of the West. But, like stereotypes, legends are rooted in truth. The landscape in those places inspires the imagination in the direction of cowboys because of how wild and beautiful and lonely it is. The Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Arches, I want to see them all. In a car, not a plane. And for all its romance, it reminds us of the ugly bits, too. Like when pioneers arrived and said, "'S'cuse us, we know you've been living on this land forever, but white people are here now. You can have this playpen of land. Have fun."

I'm not going to whine about not having the money to go to these places. I'm not even two decades into my life yet. Barring early death, I have time. There's something to be said for the there-may-not-be-a-tomorrow-carpe-the-hell-out-of-this-diem attitude, but there is also comfort in knowing one has a bit of time. Money can be saved. Poor travels are more organic and authentic travels anyway. In the meantime, as cliche as it sounds, there are adventures to be had right here. So much adventure is in the imagination, and mine has a hair trigger.

I couldn't even pick one stanza from this for today's Relevant Lyrics.

I can settle down and be doin' just fine
Til I hear an old train rollin' down the line
Then I hurry straight home and pack
And if I didn't go, I believe I'd blow my stack
I love you bay, but you gotta understand
When the Lord made me
He made a Ramblin' Man.

Some folks might say that I'm no good
That I wouldn't settle down if I could
But when that open road starts to callin' me
There's somethin' o'er the hill that I gotta see
Sometimes it's hard but you gotta understand
When the Lord made me, He made a Ramblin' Man.

I love to see the towns a-passin' by
And to ride these rails 'neath God's blue sky
Let me travel this land from the mountains to the sea
'Cause that's the life I believe He meant for me
And when I'm gone and at my grave you stand
Just say God called home your Ramblin' Man. -Ramblin' Man, Hank Williams

P.S. I think this post exemplifies that "idealist" in me that personality tests are always squawking about. I have an imagination, so sue me.

Bonus Late-Night Post

My mom just arrived home after visiting family and friends in California for three weeks. She brought home this huge bag of stuff she must have gotten from my grandpa, tons of old letters and documents and photographs. I love looking at old pictures; there was a photo album where I could see his personality coming through in the captions, and it made the people in them seem really...real. I've only ever seen the same two pictures of my grandma who died long before I was born (when she was about 35), and here was a whole album of her. There were also a bunch of army documents, a marriage certificate and--get this--stories.

My grandma wrote. There were pages of notes on plot lines and characters, and a bunch of manuscripts with rejection letters from publishers stapled to them. They're all short stories, hopefully I'll be able to read them this week.

It's a weird feeling, knowing that she tried her hand at writing. I've been writing since I was twelve. Never sent anything to a publisher or anything, in fact I've only ever finished one of my writing projects. But I never knew her, and I like that we have an accidental similarity. My sister got her name as her middle name, so I never really felt like I had a tie to her. But now it actually feels like I was related to her, like I had a grandma once, and it never really felt that way before.

The pictures were so great. It was just her, grandma, posing in the front yard or clowning around with her sisters-in-law. Old pictures seem to have so much feeling in them, so many stories. She was pretty adorable, too. I liked seeing the name under her pictures go from "Rosy" to "Mrs. Reeves." My grandpa was obviously enjoying calling her that.

I majorly wish I had access to the TARDIS right now. Everyone talks about how wonderful she was (I know when someone dies you tend to "forget" their faults, but the consensus seems to be that she was top notch), and I just really wish I'd known her. Maybe I'd tell her that sixty-some-odd years later, I finally feel like I got something more from her than just her height.

I think I'm being weird because it's late. I don't even know what I just wrote. Good night.

P.S. In every picture where there was a dog, it was labeled "Pete." My mom remembered there being a dog named Pete, but all the dogs were different breeds. We're really hoping they were 6 different dogs named Pete and that the cousin who came along soon after was named after the dogs xD

Entertainment

Song of the Day: Fuck You by Cee Lo Green

I've noticed something on the internet, namely the YouTube community, that drives me up the wall. It's the tendency of viewers to poke their noses into the personal lives of the people they follow. At the front of my mind is the Kristina/Luke/Ingrid issue, but I've noticed it in other cases too.

On Luke's first VALA video, the top rated comment was about how Ingrid was hiding from Kristina and how tense everything was. WHY would you comment on that? As far as I can tell, Luke and Kristina were pretty quiet and civil about their breakup as far as broadcasting it on the internet, and they probably did that for a reason. But people feel the need to know EVERYTHING without giving a second thought to the effect their questions will have.

If someone wants to share certain details of their personal life, then fine. They should be ready for the questions they get. But if they don't share, they don't want attention on that particular subject. I think we, as viewers, get into this mindset that we deserve to know everything about the people we see on the screens, even start to think we DO really know them. Guess what? In videos, you see a scripted, edited version of a person. Not necessarily a fake version, but an edited one. You see exactly what they want you to see. That's a positive thing; it saves the viewers from listening to long, disjointed videos full of "um's." But we also have to acknowledge that that means there are things you don't know about the vlogger, and that there's a reason you don't know those things. Just like you don't tell random people on the street about your most recent heartbreak, vloggers don't necessarily want their thousands of viewers knowing stuff like that.

The other side of this that annoys me is that we make it into such a big deal. "OH my GOSH, they BROKE UP? She must be HEARTBROKEN. How DRAMATIC." Guys. People go out, then they break up and get together with other people. Dating is shopping for a spouse. If you try something on and it doesn't fit, you put it back on the rack and try another size. The first one just isn't right for you. Sometimes there's only one size left of a shirt you really love, and it doesn't fit you, and that sucks a little more. But now you have a clearer idea of what you're looking for, so that's good, right? But you don't run through the store yelling, "EVERYONE! I JUST TRIED ON THIS SHIRT AND IT DIDN'T FIT! I WANTED TO KEEP THIS SHIRT FOREVER! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?" Because that gets you kicked out of the store forever.

It occurred to me a while back that I didn't know why Kristina and Luke had broken up, whether it was just your average breakup or if somebody fucked up. And I could have asked Kayley. But I decided I didn't need to know. If I were friends with Kristina it might have mattered more, but I've only met her a couple times and don't really know her. So I had no right to demand details about her personal life. I mean I hope nobody got hurt, and if they did I hope things are okay now, but it's really not my business. And I wish I could show this post to the person who asked Kristina on her Tumblr, "Are you and Luke still together? Are you jealous of Ingrid?" Like, really? If you don't know whether someone is dating someone else, you're not close enough to them to expect personal details like that.

With YouTube celebrities and Hollywood celebrities alike, I think people tend to dehumanize them while worshipping them at the same time. If you met someone a few times, you wouldn't suddenly ask, "I notice that you're walking next to another girl every time I see you in public. Are you just a total manwhore?" It's sort of like Facebook relationship statuses; the second someone goes from being "In a relationship" to being "single," the status is bombarded with comments going "What happened?" "I'm so sorry!" Everyone just assumes the worst POSSIBLE thing happened. If the person didn't tell you what happened, it probably doesn't matter much to you. And if it does, they're not going to say so on Facebook. You don't need to be loud and obvious to prove you're someone's friend. Just prove it to THEM; call them and ask if they need to talk. Just because a vlogger responded to your comment once doesn't make you besties, so don't demand that they confide in you. I think it's fine to offer an ear if someone needs to talk, that is a decent human thing to do. But acknowledge that in the latter case, they have friends in real life that can listen to them. There's nothing wrong with offering sympathies but, in my opinion, there IS something wrong with expecting a stranger's life to be an open book for you to enjoy. Either imagine people complexly or don't imagine them at all.

I saw you in the woods in June / Your face so sweetly out of tune / I thought you were the sun at noon / But when I lost you, oh, you were the moon. -Leaving New York, Liam O'Brien.

Pursuit

Song of the Day: Saving Grace by Tom Petty

The other day (it might have been yesterday) I got a tweet from Elmo (yeah, I follow Sesame Street on Twitter. Haterz gonna hate) that said, "Elmo is spending his summer learning his letters. What have you learned this summer?" God bless Sesame Street; I'm 19 and they're still making me think. I read that and thought, "What the hell HAVE I learned?"

Taking a year off from school has been weird. Just about everyone I know was in school this past year, whether it was high school or college. My friend Leah took a gap year too, but she was off doing insane amounts of traveling. And I mean real traveling; working on ranches and homesteads in return for food and board, immersing herself in other cultures, finding new friends and occasionally hitchhiking (she was never alone, thank heaven). Her stories are solid evidence that she learned a TON in her travels. This train of thought led me to thinking about the definition of education. Just because I haven't been in school, does that mean I'm not learning?

The way I see it, there are two very different yet equally valuable schools of education: books and world.

Book learning, to me, is everything you learn in school: math, how to read, how to write, history, etc. I know there are people who don't know how to read (like in that episode of The Cosby Show when Sammy Davis, Jr. guest starred...anyone? No?), but I'm fairly confident that it makes life a zillion times easier. Think about all the things you read in a day. Road signs, storefronts, e-mails, texts, Twitter, instant messages, subtitles, labels, books, food packages, even names on the back of athletes' jerseys. Can you imagine not understanding any of that? It just seems like it would feel so chaotic having to find ways of working around that particular obstacle.

Now for the World learning. This is the education you get by going outside, that scary place that us pale kids avoid. That is where you learn how easily your skin burns, when the light is about to turn green, the correlation between tipping well and receiving good service next time, which parts of the city to avoid, and which days tend to have the shortest lines at the Costco gas pump. Getting through the world is just as vital as being able to read the signs that direct you along the way.

I find that these two schools form a Venn diagram, and in the middle section we can find PEOPLE. Both in school and out of it, you have to deal with people. You find out which people you like and which people you don't like, and you learn where to find the ones you like. You also learn how to cope when you're forced to be around the ones you don't like without starting a jousting match in your local Starbucks. In school* we learn how to befriend teachers without sucking up (and, indeed, which teachers should and should not be befriended), how to sit by the class clown, how to sit by the quiet kid, how to form Cheating Alliances, how to get around the dreaded seating chart, how to avoid talking to people in the hallways, where to sit at lunch and with whom, and how to sneak out of class unsuspected to comfort a friend in need. Outside of school, it's more about the short term. Make this customer your friend long enough to get them to trust you so they buy the product, let the woman with a zillion antsy kids cut you in line at the grocery store, give your seat to the old guy on the bus, hold the door for others and say thank you when it is held for you, don't talk in the elevator unless your comment is guaranteed to be received as witty, say hello, say excuse me, use your turn signal, don't walk on the same side of the street as the stumbling drunk guy on your way to the car at midnight (this actually happened on Sunday night, and I am quite safe because I followed that rule).

There really is no replacement for "real world" experience, as people say. That's where the people are. That's where the hugs happen, where the conversations start, where the people get hired and where they get punched. But the book learning kickstarts your ability to deal with that world. You learned to read and ended up bonding with someone over a shared favorite book. You learned to do math and look! you know how much rent you can afford. It takes a combination of book learning and world learning to be able to keep up a conversation with just about any intelligent person, and to enjoy variety in the company you keep.

I'm so excited to be back in school. School is where the two kinds of learning get together, have a few too many drinks and experience a vague and slightly confusing encounter that results in lovely, well-rounded babies we call civilians. Because of this crossroads I can not only learn awesome things, but also discuss those things with people I can call my friends. Thanks to experience, I know how to make friends! Go me. And now, thanks to early classroom learning, I can go enjoy a book.

*I'm mainly basing this on high school, which is where MOST of us started learning to deal with bad situations in a more mature fashion. Some, sadly, never got over their tantrum phase.

I just want to know today, know today, know today / I just want to know something today. - Be OK, Ingrid Michaelson

BEDA

Song of the Day: Fall in Love Tonight by The Whomping Willows

I don't know if I'm going to attempt BEDA. But I thought just in case, I should post something today so that if I manage to blog for the last 30 days of August, I won't be brought down by the fact that I missed today. Bet it's refreshing to see a short blog entry from me. For, you know, both of you =p

I wish you peace and love and happiness in everything you do. - A Pensieve Full of Unrequited Love, The Mudbloods