My boyfriend is a turd

Why, you ask?

I'll tell you why.

Because we both sat on our asses and did nothing all day. As a result, I cannot sleep and am currently awake skyping with Abbie. It is two in the freakin a.m.

My boyfriend is a turd because HE is sleeping like a goddamn kitten. A kitten that sounds like a dragon slaying a pig. He's a noisy sleeper at times. Hello 2:00, goodbyyyyyyyyye filter!

Not that that was a particularly intimate detail. I'm still coherent enough to not share those. But not coherent enough to avoid splitting infinities. Infinitives, I mean. Man, splitting infinities. That's some Doctor Who shit right there. NeerNEERNEEEEEEEER. WEEEEEWOOOOOOOOO.


I need to get rid of him somehow so I can film a video. I've got it all scripted and everything. Maybe I can send him to the store tomorrow. The video might actually be good this time. It's about being homeless without being actually homeless.

I'm thirsty but water makes noise. Stupid sleeping turd. I can't tell if this is obnoxious or funny. If you think this is funny you should see me drunk. I start talking about how I'm a rhino. In the best possible sense.

I FORGOT I HAVE A HORSIE ON MY SIDE HEY HORSIE.

Thought Organization: Ignore

This is just me organizing the rest of my summer because I can't QUITE do it within the confines of my brain.

JULY:
-Visit home - wedding planning, dress alterations, Dark Knight Rises?
-Move Mike's stuff to Eugene
-Move apartment stuff to house
-Move Mike to Eugene

AUGUST:
-Stay in Eugene / get Mike settled
-Go to Ashland, try not to be stressed about the fact that his parents paid for the trip
-Possibly stop in Portland on the way home?
-Steph's bridal shower (what do you get your sister for her bridal shower??)
-Drive to Redding with Steph to visit grandpa
-Get Mike's birthday present in there somewhere

SEPTEMBER:
-Practice face off
-Get pieces up to par for re-audition into symphony
-Refresh theory and piano abilities
-Figure out buses to and from school
-Get Mike's belated birthday gift to him
-Finish Maid of Honor toast oh my god have you seriously not done that yet??

-Do not get over-stressed about things because everything is fine and everyone is okay and life is really great most of the time and remember that time things were boring and how much that sucked?

Why am I so bummed

I have absolutely no right to be this bummed

And I'm taking it out on people I love



I don't know how I got to such a bad place


I decided to stop drinking for a bit because drinking when I'm sad is bad news



And now I keep getting cravings for shitty food because I eat my feelings

But I have Catholic levels of guilt when it comes to food




And I just really need to be okay because Mike needs me right now.









This whomps.

Ranty Blawg

Song of the Day: Lookout for Yourself by Julia Nunes

Disclaimer: I am not genuinely upset by the subject of my following rant. Momentarily annoyed, perhaps.

I am pretty much bored to tears so I figured, why not write a blog entry that no one will read?

I get weirdly touchy about Emily and Jake's relationship. Like, how affectionate they are in front of other people. I feel like I SHOULD think that's lovely and adorable and really great, but it annoys the crap out of me. I'm in a very good relationship, so it's not a bitterness thing. And I hate PDA, so it's not like I wish I got more public action. So what bugs me?

I feel like there's a weird bubble around them. Like they don't realize how FUCKING ridiculous they're being. They just flop all over each other and he can't walk by her without leaning down for a kiss and it sounds stupid as I'm saying it but it's just sort of unpleasant to be around. Mostly/especially when I'm the only other one in the house, because they act like I'm not here, or they don't care that I am, or they wish I weren't. Sorry, I'm not retreating to the confines of my room so you two can REALLY go at it. You can go to YOUR room for that.

I think for me, affection is a really private thing. Like sitting next to each other and being close when other people are around is fine, but save the smooches, nuzzles, fondles, gropes, googly-eyes, foot massages (they do that one with weird frequency), and other uncomfortable-to-watch things for behind closed doors. When they do it around me, I'm suddenly intruding on a really intimate moment without intending to do so. They're over a year into their relationship, so it's not like they're in a honeymoon stage. I would be fine with that, it happens to everyone. I think things will cool down once they've lived together for a little bit and aren't over the fucking moon every time they're in the same room together. I'm glad they're happy, I really am. And that's why I don't say anything. Because I know they're just excited to be moving in together and all lovey-dovey about it. And they'll relax after a while once they realize that they can spend time together whenever they want, and they don't have to be touching each other with at least 40% of their bodies at ALL TIMES.

It's like smart phones. I don't use mine when I'm having meals with people or supposed to be conversing with them because I've been on the other end of that one one too many times. I don't like participating in PDA because I've been made uncomfortable by it a BUNCH of times. Intimacy is called that for a reason. If you do it (excessively) when other people are around, it just feels like you're doing it to be a showboating asshat, not because it's genuine. It's no less meaningful if no one is watching.

We'll go walkin' but nobody's talkin' / 'cause everything just seems clear. -Song for Lauren by The Harmed Brothers

The Case Against Internet Dating, or, An Essay For Pasta's Aunt

Song of the Day: Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel

So Michael and I were talking about some silly ideas his aunt has, and I jokingly said I'd write an essay about why she was incorrect. But I think my reasons for never being interested in dating someone I met on the internet are very logical and I haven't really hashed them out here yet, so...yup.

1. Distance. I would never enter into a long-distance relationship if that's how it started out. Obviously my own relationship will soon have about 6 hours between its participating parties, but I'm okay with that (not exactly happy about it, mind you) because by then we'll have had about 9-10 months of ACTUAL relationship under our proverbial belts. A relationship that starts as a long-distance one is extremely difficult to continue because you can never see that person; you never get to hug them or kiss them. You don't get to go to movies together or have date nights or just sit and do homework together. You (most likely) have to worry about time differences when you call them. I just feel like every time you saw each other in real life, you'd have to get comfortable with them all over again. If you got to know each other in person, I think it makes a period of long distance a bit stronger because you have a stronger bond that makes you committed to making it work.

2. False/incomplete identities. This sort of ties in with distance, I guess. But it's really hard to genuinely get to know  someone over the internet, at least on a dating level. Like, you can only have a hypothetical relationship. You can talk about how you both love hiking, but you can't go on one together and get the bonding experience of overcoming a challenge together. You can't cuddle, you can just say "I wish we could cuddle." And when the hell are you supposed to say "I love you?" That's something that comes out naturally during a quiet moment together (unless you're Elizabeth Swan, then it happens right before a hanging). Call me old-fashioned, but I just don't think you get the full effect of someone's company without, you know, their company. You miss out on their mannerisms and how they treat you physically. What if your boyfriend is super gropey and you have no idea? I have friends on the internet whom I trust and who trust me, and I wouldn't hesitate to call them my friends, but isn't it a little odd to say you've never met your boyfriend/girlfriend?

3. Bad References. As the good friend of a fairly prominent internet personality, I've seen multiple relationships that started via the good ol' internet. None of them lasted long. One of them went particularly poorly, but I'd rather respect her privacy by not divulging the details of that particular one. I think the reason her current one is working out is because they can see each other on a semi-regular basis. I've seen other people be like, "You can totally get to know someone on the internet!" And my response is alway that you only get to know what they want you to know. You see the strengths they want to display and the weaknesses they are comfortable with sharing. They may share everything and they may not, but you'll never get the depth of character that you get from physically being with someone.

This is too long. But there are my reasons. I would never date someone I met on the internet for those reasons, but I am more than happy to be FRIENDS with people I meet on the internet in spite of them. "But Emma, friendship is still a strong bond." Yes, but it's a very different bond and requires different levels/types of vulnerability that, in my opinion, require the other person's physical company.

Banks out.

Too lazy to find post-relevant lyrics today.

Ramblin', where to begin

Song of the Day: Always On My Mind by Phantom Planet

I'm supposed to be studyiiiiiiing. But frankly, I had two finals this morning and I want to give my brain a wee break before diving into studying for my next one, which is at 3:30 so I have a bit of time.

I don't really have a direction for this post. Let's go with Summer.

Summer for me starts after my last final (environmental science) on Thursday morning. Since the dude is graduating, we're going to Seattle with his family for some on-the-house (read: paid-for-by-his-parents) fun. A nice lunch somewhere and a Mariners game, and then his dad is giving us a wad of cash to go do whatever we want on our own that evening. It looks like we're going to go see Prometheus in IMAX and then hit up Beth's for late-night noms.

Then...summer. Nothing major planned for it, really. Pretty much zero dollars to spend on going anywhere. I'm house/catsitting for my parents while my dad goes down to California in July, but that's kind of my Big Exciting Thing for the season =p Unless you count moving, 'cause I'm doing that too. That should be fun.

I really need summer clothes. I have exactly 2 pairs of shorts and 1 is unflattering. I have basically one wearable-in-an-everyday-way dress. And about 2 tank tops. Which I guess won't really be a problem if the weather continues on in its current fashion. But I have stuff I could sell to contribute toward clothes monies and I can't believe I have the urge to shop.

This is seriously the dullest post ever. I thought I had way more to say than this. Ohhhh no the Sleepy is hitting me WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.

Things I Like: Having my food paid for (by my parents, if anyone else does it I squirm), getting a bigger room, seeing Abbie, watching Cheers all summer, fruit season.
Things I Do Not Like: Not having a car (though biking will probably improve my health), feeling guilty about taking the bigger room even though a small room is currently giving me an anneurysm, being the only one in that big room, and the likelihood that August will arrive all too soon.

Dangit, the second list is longer. Ummm I also like Seattle, and finals being over, and seeing my kittens, and having a TV (which I won't feel guilty watching because of all that biking I'm going to do), biking, doing wedding stuff with Steph because I don't like weddings but I like her.

I don't know if any of this made sense or had any substance whatsoever. I'm gonna...go surf tumblr and eventually study for my theory final. Or something.

Summer arrives with a length of lights / summer blows away / and quietly gets swallowed by a wave / it gets swallowed by a wave. -Summersong, The Decemberists

Mah Feelz

Song of the Day: Into the Sunshine by Julia Nunes

Complainy bloooooooog. Haha. Bloog.

Here are my reasons to complain:
-I am sleepy because I got home late last night and didn't fall asleep for a long time
-My private teacher told me YESTERDAY that I need to use a different accompanist than the one I've had for a couple of weeks. That involves filling out forms and making payments and eck.
-The recital is coming up on the 31st. Now chances are that next to no people will show up because it's in the afternoon and not the evening, so I suppose that lowers stress levels. Still.
-I didn't eat well today. I've been trying so hard to be better. I got some strawberries in me though, so. That was good.
-I keep thinking about all the money I have to spend before the fall and it makes my stomach feel like a grape turning into a raisin on fast-forward. Rent, double rent, new bed, train tickets, food, all with no income.
-Core graduation requirements. I appreciate a rounded education, but it's already going to take me a million years to get my degree. YOU ARE NOT HELPING.
-My roots are getting ridiculous and I need to dye my hair back to my original color. I want to stop damaging it as it gets longer, and honestly I want to stop relying on my hair so much to determine how I feel about myself. I feel like I only like looking in the mirror to see my pretty red hair, and it's not even mine. I don't want that to be the case.
-I left my gorram water bottle at school AGAIN. Those cost like $20 apiece. I REALLY hope I can find it on Monday. I know exactly where I left it, but it will have been moved. Hopefully to the lost and found.
-I danced to a song today and I was out of breath by the end. SO out of shape. Fuck you, mono.

Here are my reasons to be happy and grateful:
-I got in late last night because I was seeing an awesome show with my sister. Good show, quality sister time, Dick's, wedding talk.
-I feel fairly confident about my piece for the recital. It's not difficult to play, but it's difficult to play WELL. It's slow, so I have to be really precise about everything. But I honestly think I can do it.
-My appetite is back after a hiatus of a few weeks.
-I have been pretty good about putting money away, so I HAVE the money for these things. I just don't want to use it all and worrying about money makes me feel grown-up in the worst way and so unprepared for the Big Scary World.
-While I may be stressed about fitting everything in, I AM eager to learn things whether or not they're related to my major. The world is amazing and wonderful and awful and huge and varied and I want a double scoop of it on a waffle cone with sprinkles.
-I'm excited to work toward a mental state wherein I'm confident without relying on my hair. Time to stop being drizzle and start being a hurricane, yeah?
-There's really no upside to the water bottle thing.
-I danced today.

I can feel myself getting better all the time. Physically and mentally and emotionally. There are bumps and twists and things suck sometimes but then they rock and it's like, okay, those sucky things were worth it and I'm glad I learned from them. It's kind of incredible to feel myself growing and stretching in different ways and making achievable goals for my future. Okay. This post is long enough. And I feel a bit better.

Oh hey, another reason to feel good: Abbie is coming home in a few weeks! So excited for those two weeks in July. All of the fun times with my favorite lady.

I better see you run / As far, as fast as you can / watch you fall / pick yourself back up again / And turn around to face the past / that put you there / And I'll thank God that it wasn't fair. -To the Damsels: Run, Julia Nunes