In Which A Good Evening Makes Up For An "Eh" Day

Song of the Day: Starlight by Muse

I have this weird thing where when people ask how I am, not matter how little they care or how obligatory their asking is, I don't want to lie. I mean if I'm at work and someone says, "Good morning, how are you?" I'll probably respond with, "Not too bad, how are you?" But for some reason, if I'm not doing well, I really don't like saying I'm doing well.

Keeping that in mind, I saw two people today who I've been missing a ton 'cause they've been off doing the whole college thang. Well, one has, the other is pretty much doing the same thing as me just in Portland. And when we were hugging and exchanging "How are you's" I automatically responded with, "I'm good!" (grammatically unsound, I know). Which is something because recently I've been saying, "I'm all right" or "I'm okay." And yes, I'm stressing about school and auditions and junk like that, but certain things that have been a little heavy lately don't seem to weigh on me quite as much anymore. Which is awesome.

Tonight was so awesome. It was just so nice to sit down with Zach and Lucas and Lauren and Gus (who I hadn't actually met before but he seems pretty cool) and even though it's been ages since we saw each other, we just fell back into being so comfortable around each other and aside from a few check-in questions about what we're doing in the fall, it was like nothing had changed. And no matter how much shit they gave me about my height (I think Gus was the only one under 6 feet apart from me), I couldn't help loving them so, so much. I think college agrees with Zach, he seems to laugh more easily and more genuinely than he did senior year. That was nice to see.

Pretty much every time I laugh, my eyes water like crazy. And when that happened tonight, I realize how little I laugh. This year, at least. It's not that I'm unhappy, exactly. It's that I've just been around friends so little since September. I laugh REALLY easily (I actually used to get teased because it was so easy to make me cry from laughing), so when I'm with a bunch of people my eyes are just streaming constantly. And since everyone moved away, if I've been with a friend it's generally just been one and things tend to be more mellow in those situations. I love hanging out one-on-one. But being with a group is pretty fantastic too. I think it's just a different energy, and that's why the laughter is different. I've seen Lauren off and on because she lives close, but with Zach and Lucas it was like, "Damn, now I remember why it was so hard to stop missing you."

Well this has been an exceptionally mushy and sappy post. I'd better leave it here. I haven't been unhappy, per se, but this is a certain angle of happiness that I had semi-forgotten.

Plus the Sounders won against RLS! Woop!

When you're alone / Who comes around / to pluck you up / When you are down? -The Vultures, The Jungle Book

Single

Song of the Day: Sherry by The Four Seasons

That word has described me for a long time. Single. It described me for over 19 years. And I was really cool with that.

Enter the boy. For whatever reason, he really bothered to look at me like I mattered in a way I never had. I had all sorts of defenses in place to make sure I never let anything like that happen. He sort of blew all that to hell, and I let him. And I was REALLY glad that I let him.

I wasn't demonstrative enough. No matter what I wanted to do I couldn't make myself do it, and eventually he started to feel like we were just "friends that kissed sometimes." I can understand why he felt that way. I tried really hard to make myself comfortable with physical displays of affection but when the moment showed itself for some reason I had a hard time. He WAS my first boyfriend, so I guess I was still figuring out what was expected of me or some shit like that. And then he stopped pushing for it, seemed to stop wanting it, and that made it even harder. I knew he drew back a little because I seemed so indifferent, but I just couldn't fix it fast enough.

It's also because I'm going north for school. He says he doesn't trust himself with the distance. The physical stuff is big for him, and if he doesn't have that, well, look what happens. Each good-night kiss gets a little shorter. But I suppose I should be glad he knows he couldn't handle the distance, and it's better to end now than to fix the physical aspect of things, get to a really good place and then have to call it quits in September. I told him that parts of me wish I were going to UW and he said if I was having second thoughts I shouldn't go to Western. I know I'll be happy at Western and I know I want to go there, whereas going to UW would maybe keep me with him. And that, frankly, is a really tempting thought. But I'm just a bit too average to be a Husky.

So I'm looking at this as a learning experience. I now know what I need to work on, should I ever find myself in a relationship again. I know what I need, too. I need Chris Duclos, but we both need us to be in the same place for long enough. So that's that.

I suppose I'm back where I started. I don't need to be in a relationship, I was single for 19 years. I am still fine with never getting married. I now have a good friend in Chris. It looks like we'll still hang out and just not kiss goodnight. We get along really well and I'm glad he'll still be in my life. Yeah, I wish I'd moved a little faster. But this also sucks more the more I think about it so I think this is going to end here.

Still I wish there was something you would do or say / to try and make me change my mind and stay / But we never did too much talking anyway / So don't think twice, it's all right. -Don't Think Twice It's All Right by Bob Dylan

Cheesy Post is Cheesy

Song of the Day: That Thing You Do - The Wonders

So this is corny. Buuuut I was thinking about it today and I decided to put my thoughts SOMEWHERE. Whateva.

I used to think about guys (I know, I know) and, given my attitude, what it would take for one to catch my attention. I eventually had a ridiculous list of things I wanted in a guy.

-Musically inclined (preferable but not necessary) [check]

-Huge nerd [check]

-Likes classical music [check]

-Awesome laugh [check]

-Makes me want to better myself [checkcheck]

-Easy to talk to [check]

-Makes me laugh [checkcheckcheck]

-Swing dances [check]

-Gets my dorky references [check]

-Proficient snuggler [check^2]

There were other more specific ones that I can't remember at the moment. Deal with it.

I really like that getting to know someone is a continuum; there are always new things to notice about people. One of my favorite things in the world is the first time you hear someone laugh really hard. Everyone laughs so differently in the first place, and then when they lose it it's not only funny but you also get this completely uncensored glimpse of them. I feel like that's a weird thing to like. Ohhhh well.

The problem with knowing that someone is going to die is that you start looking at them like they're going to die. I swear Anya knows. The poor baby. It sucks so much that it has to be at the vet's office, she's so petrified of that place. I can only hope I'll be able to comfort her a little.

Haha. This was supposed to be a happy blog.

Just pin your heartbeat up against my heartbeat / and you'll see how well we rhyme. -Bright Smile by Josh Ritter

Selfish

Song of the Day: Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes - Paul Simon

So my dad just said that he and my mom think Anya's time is coming to an end. Great.

Her hips have been in bad shape for a long time, and it's clear that she's in a lot of pain when she gets up and lays (lies?) down. She does this thing, usually only when one of us is home, where she'll follow us around and whine. We let her out, we pet her, but still she whines. I don't know if she's telling us she's in pain or she's scared but it's hard because there's nothing we can do.

I think it hadn't crossed my mind because she seems to still be there mentally. She still gets excited to see me when I come home and all that. Tess was such a wreck before she died that we were all just really prepared for it; I was kind of caught off-guard when my dad brought up Anya. I think it's a combination of her awareness (which Tess lacked) and the fact that her health declined so gradually, whereas Tess's dropped really suddenly. I had time to get used to it each time something was wrong with Anya.

God damn. Anya's been with me since we moved here. 14 years is a long life for a big dog. And I know that. I sort of feel selfish for not considering just how much pain she's been in. My dad said he and my mom discussed having her put down while my mom is in California, but apparently she thought it might be too much for me to be in a completely empty house while my dad is at work. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard, but I'm not as delicate as she seems to think. I'm not as delicate as she is. At any rate, they seem to have decided that we'll take her in a week or two after my mom gets home. It's just...she doesn't seem THAT unhealthy. I don't want to put her down before she's ready. But I don't want her to be in pain anymore, either.

Yeah, there's just no way for this not to suck. At least I'll have a few weeks to get used to the idea. It won't make it easier, but pain is better than pain accompanied by shock. Mind you, I say this as someone who hasn't really had to deal with either very much in her life.

Night has always pushed up day / You must know life to see decay / But I won't rot, I won't rot / Not this mind and not this heart. -After the Storm by Mumford & Sons

Don't Worry

Song of the Day: Don't Worry, I'm Yours - DJ Dain

Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln. I. Overthink. EVERYTHING.

And while that used to be what kept me safe, I'm really hoping it doesn't fuck anything up now. Because someone who blogs things like this:

The little things mean the most. Emma went to my soccer game and my team mate Reese aggravated a knee injury. Emma asked me how he was a few days later. I call that amazing. She treats me real well, which was all i wanted. I really hope i’m returning the favor.

Well, that's someone that I want to stick around for a while.

Now I lay me down not to sleep / I just get tangled in the sheets / I swim in sweat three inches deep / I just lay back and claim defeat. -Who Needs Sleep by Barenaked Ladies

Kinda Sorta A Little Motivated. Maybe.

Song of the Day: Can You Tell - Ra Ra Riot

"I'm so proud of you."

I love saying those five words. Because when I say them I really, really mean it. I love seeing someone I love accomplish something that gives them confidence and pride in themselves, and seeing them light up when I say I'm proud of them.

That being said, I love hearing it, too. But I don't, not very often. It's not like I accomplish a lot and am frustrated that no one notices. Because I have amazing people in my life who DO acknowledge my achievements. As I was telling Chris today that I was proud of him for getting invited to play with the UW Symphony, I realized that he hasn't been proud of me. Because I haven't given him anything to be proud of me for/about/whatever/fucking grammar. He will probably say it when I get into the music department at Western (I'm saying "when" to put myself in a confident mindset) even though I know he considers Western to be, shall we say, a step below UW. And they probably are. But even if I had been prepared in time to audition at the UW, I don't really want to go there. Maybe that's shooting myself in the foot, but I just don't.

Oh I lied, he did say he was proud of me once. When I ended up listening to the radio broadcast of that Sounders match I wasn't able to go to with him. He was pretty happy about that.

I'm trying not to focus on this too much because it's coming from a part of me that just seems to really want approval and I don't like that part of me. But at the same time it's such a confidence boost because if someone else is proud of me, I feel like I'm allowed to be proud of myself; it legitimizes whatever I've accomplished, I guess. #pathetic

On the upside, I seem to be inspired to be more of a go-getter. I want the people I'm proud of to be proud of me in return and, more importantly, I want to feel like I worked for and deserve that pride. Whether it's true or not, I feel like people think I took a gap year because I was lazy and/or too afraid to move forward. Well as of now there is going to be no doubt in anyone's mind about my ambition, not if I can help it. Hey world, remember that time I was passive? Hope you took a picture. COME AT ME BRO.

Well now that I've untangled that emotional silliness, I'm going to go be insecure somewhere else.

I should be locked up right on the spot / It's so on right now. -Raise Your Glass by P!nk

Relax

Song of the Day: High Hawk Season by The Mountain Goats

I feel like I need to be told to relax a lot. Chris kept reminding me to relax when we were dancing. One of my biggest hurdles in music is relaxing and letting my emotions come through, and my teacher is constantly trying to help me do that. I've never considered myself an especially stiff or reserved person, but maybe when it really counts I am. I've been trying to suppress certain emotions for a while, and maybe that's taken a toll on everything; I've just gotten too comfortable with not displaying what I'm feeling. So now when I'm in a position where I can and even should put it all out there, it feels wrong and ridiculous and I can't. I know I can get better, I just need time. Hopefully not too much, because I am just as impatient as everyone else. Old habits die hard, and I am determined to kill this one stone dead. I don't want to become one of those girls who cry at everything (I'm never going to cry easily, it's just not who I am), but I don't want to risk people not knowing I care anymore. I want to go into my audition and show them that when I'm playing, my cello and I are one inseparable entity and that the music is simply emanating from the places where my fingers touch the strings. I want to kiss that boy before he kisses me because for the first time in my life I can be sure that he wants me to.

People are expecting a lot of me at the moment. I'm used to expecting a lot of myself, but that's different. I suddenly have to prove to these people that I'm worth whatever effort is being involved on their part. But first I have to convince MYSELF that I'm worth that effort, and that is something I've been struggling with for a long damn time. I can hear my teacher now..."That's your brain getting in the way." She has to tell me that every week. Every week I know she's right. And every week it happens anyway.

So fall down / I need you to trust me / Go easy, don't rush me / Help me out, why don't you help me out? -Never Gonna Leave This Bed by Maroon 5