Weird and Trivial

Song of the Day: What Are You Doing New Year's Eve - The Orioles

So this is a really dumb problem to have and it's not even a problem, it just pricks at me temporarily whenever it happens.

I have been head-over-heels for Christmas my entire life. My dad and I were always butting heads because I wanted to listen to Christmas music before Thanksgiving, I was always heaving the boxes of decorations out of the closet with my sister the morning after Thanksgiving, and I don't think anything makes me happier than Christmas lights at dusk during December.

Kayley is the one who gets labeled as the obsessive lover of Christmas.

This is a REALLY dumb thing to get upset about ("upset" is a pretty strong word for what I actually feel). You would think I would love having someone around who loves it like I do. And when we're together, that's usually the case because we know all the songs by heart and can just go nuts together. But for some reason it stings when she gets recognized as Little Miss Christmas.

I was thinking about this a lot last night and I eventually thought of this: as a kid I was always sort of surreptitiously trying to be like my friends. It wasn't so much that I thought I wasn't good enough as I was, but I really admired my friends and I think I wanted them to admire me too, and I thought that by getting the same binder or having the same favorite color as them, I would matter to them as much as they mattered to me. Yeah, the insecurity/jealousy thing ain't new.

So with this in mind, you would think that finding people who liked things I ALREADY liked would be just super fantastic and wonderful. My actual reaction was frustration. I think because on those rare occasions when I managed to have an original opinion, someone having the same one shunted me right back to square one, where I didn't feel unique or worth admiring or recognizing.

I can only assume that this feeling comes back now because in my own head, Christmas is sort of my Thing and then someone else gets recognized for it. As if Christmas can only be ONE person's Thing. Another person who loves it as much as I do should make me REALLY happy! And I suppose it does when I get down to it. Spreading the cheer and all that.

I must also remind myself that Kayley is "internet famous" and is therefore going to get more recognition than me, period. Which is fine, I don't really want to be internet famous.

I'm going to go adore Christmas now because in an hour it will be the Christmas season! And I'm really not genuinely upset about this whole thing. It's a prickly annoyance when it happens and then it goes away. This is just me considering the "why" of it.

This has been another episode of Emma's Crazy Neuroses.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas / Soon the bells will start / But the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing / right within your heart. - It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas, Perry Como (and every other crooner ever)

A Sadness

Song of the Day: Sons and Daughters by The Decemberists


I declare this My Last Sad Post. But I need to write it.

I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling purposeless. I am tired of feeling weak because loneliness feels irrational and illogical and other "i" words with negative connotations.

I figured out what's bothering me. This loneliness is new to me. I had a pillar of support for about 10 months. It was there all the time and I didn't stop appreciating it, but I definitely got used to it. Then it just sort of got swept out from under me and I totally have the ability to support myself without it, I just have to get used to it.

This is not to say that he isn't there for me when we're apart, because that's not the case at all. But phone calls and skype are very very different from physical presence. I keep myself in this cycle of feeling sad, then feeling angry at myself for being sad, then letting myself be sad again, then getting angry at myself for letting myself get sad, and on and on and on. And my mind doesn't need that sort of abuse. It's okay to be sad, but I'm done with it. I'm done with tears and I'm done with wallowing.

I'm not under any delusion that I can snap my fingers and suddenly feel like life is Awesome and Exciting and Full Of Promise. But I can remind myself every day that it IS those things, and hopefully after a while I will listen, and after a little while longer I will stop needing the reminders. Because right now I feel absent from some people's lives, and in others I am a Weight and a Sadness and that stinks because it's making me selfish and I'd rather listen intently than whine about how sad I am that I have to  be away from someone I love as if no one else has ever gone through this.

In more positive news, I hit 115 pounds today (before breakfast). 5 more to my weight goal. From there I'll decide whether I need a new goal or just maintenance. I don't have to worry about dipping below 110 because, while that's the cutoff for eligibility to donate plasma, they rejected me because only one of my arms was suitable for their needles. And apparently they need BOTH arms to have good veins? Whatever. It's cool guys, I didn't need those extra $220 a month, those wouldn't have been really really great to have at all. Especially not in the next two weeks. Nope nope, don't need that at all.

Aaaaaand back to the loving place.



I'm fallin' fast like a bird that's lost its feathers / It's been searching for a note to deliver / When 
I get back, I might not say a word / But will you, will you still love me? -When I Get Back (Tailor-Made Blues), The Harmed Brothers

A List of Things I Want

Unfiltered by privilege-checking or a desire to pretend I'm really wise and selfless.

An instrument in my hands
A flatter tummy
Stronger muscles
Longer hair
Cuddle buddy
To know if that song that one time was directed at me
Someone I can talk to (physically in the room would be nice)
To stop feeling so upset about nothing
Motivation
A sweatshirt
To share my passion for music with people
To live in San Francisco
To excel
A successful career
A career, period
The courage to wear more noticeable outfits
Money to have Experiences
A car
A good singing voice
A stiff drink (or 5)
A jaw that doesn't hurt
A side that doesn't hurt
Feet that don't hurt
Knees that don't hurt
A way to minimize my sister's stress
Inspiration for a wedding toast
To figure out what's independence and what's fear; to embrace the independence and overcome the fear
A dog
Another tattoo
A cup of tea
Functioning lungs/heart
Everything to work out. Eventually.
Everyone to be okay. Soon.

Gravity is working against me / And gravity wants to bring me down / Oh twice as much ain't twice as good / And can't sustain like one half could / it's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees. -Gravity, John Mayer

My boyfriend is a turd

Why, you ask?

I'll tell you why.

Because we both sat on our asses and did nothing all day. As a result, I cannot sleep and am currently awake skyping with Abbie. It is two in the freakin a.m.

My boyfriend is a turd because HE is sleeping like a goddamn kitten. A kitten that sounds like a dragon slaying a pig. He's a noisy sleeper at times. Hello 2:00, goodbyyyyyyyyye filter!

Not that that was a particularly intimate detail. I'm still coherent enough to not share those. But not coherent enough to avoid splitting infinities. Infinitives, I mean. Man, splitting infinities. That's some Doctor Who shit right there. NeerNEERNEEEEEEEER. WEEEEEWOOOOOOOOO.


I need to get rid of him somehow so I can film a video. I've got it all scripted and everything. Maybe I can send him to the store tomorrow. The video might actually be good this time. It's about being homeless without being actually homeless.

I'm thirsty but water makes noise. Stupid sleeping turd. I can't tell if this is obnoxious or funny. If you think this is funny you should see me drunk. I start talking about how I'm a rhino. In the best possible sense.

I FORGOT I HAVE A HORSIE ON MY SIDE HEY HORSIE.

Thought Organization: Ignore

This is just me organizing the rest of my summer because I can't QUITE do it within the confines of my brain.

JULY:
-Visit home - wedding planning, dress alterations, Dark Knight Rises?
-Move Mike's stuff to Eugene
-Move apartment stuff to house
-Move Mike to Eugene

AUGUST:
-Stay in Eugene / get Mike settled
-Go to Ashland, try not to be stressed about the fact that his parents paid for the trip
-Possibly stop in Portland on the way home?
-Steph's bridal shower (what do you get your sister for her bridal shower??)
-Drive to Redding with Steph to visit grandpa
-Get Mike's birthday present in there somewhere

SEPTEMBER:
-Practice face off
-Get pieces up to par for re-audition into symphony
-Refresh theory and piano abilities
-Figure out buses to and from school
-Get Mike's belated birthday gift to him
-Finish Maid of Honor toast oh my god have you seriously not done that yet??

-Do not get over-stressed about things because everything is fine and everyone is okay and life is really great most of the time and remember that time things were boring and how much that sucked?

Why am I so bummed

I have absolutely no right to be this bummed

And I'm taking it out on people I love



I don't know how I got to such a bad place


I decided to stop drinking for a bit because drinking when I'm sad is bad news



And now I keep getting cravings for shitty food because I eat my feelings

But I have Catholic levels of guilt when it comes to food




And I just really need to be okay because Mike needs me right now.









This whomps.

Ranty Blawg

Song of the Day: Lookout for Yourself by Julia Nunes

Disclaimer: I am not genuinely upset by the subject of my following rant. Momentarily annoyed, perhaps.

I am pretty much bored to tears so I figured, why not write a blog entry that no one will read?

I get weirdly touchy about Emily and Jake's relationship. Like, how affectionate they are in front of other people. I feel like I SHOULD think that's lovely and adorable and really great, but it annoys the crap out of me. I'm in a very good relationship, so it's not a bitterness thing. And I hate PDA, so it's not like I wish I got more public action. So what bugs me?

I feel like there's a weird bubble around them. Like they don't realize how FUCKING ridiculous they're being. They just flop all over each other and he can't walk by her without leaning down for a kiss and it sounds stupid as I'm saying it but it's just sort of unpleasant to be around. Mostly/especially when I'm the only other one in the house, because they act like I'm not here, or they don't care that I am, or they wish I weren't. Sorry, I'm not retreating to the confines of my room so you two can REALLY go at it. You can go to YOUR room for that.

I think for me, affection is a really private thing. Like sitting next to each other and being close when other people are around is fine, but save the smooches, nuzzles, fondles, gropes, googly-eyes, foot massages (they do that one with weird frequency), and other uncomfortable-to-watch things for behind closed doors. When they do it around me, I'm suddenly intruding on a really intimate moment without intending to do so. They're over a year into their relationship, so it's not like they're in a honeymoon stage. I would be fine with that, it happens to everyone. I think things will cool down once they've lived together for a little bit and aren't over the fucking moon every time they're in the same room together. I'm glad they're happy, I really am. And that's why I don't say anything. Because I know they're just excited to be moving in together and all lovey-dovey about it. And they'll relax after a while once they realize that they can spend time together whenever they want, and they don't have to be touching each other with at least 40% of their bodies at ALL TIMES.

It's like smart phones. I don't use mine when I'm having meals with people or supposed to be conversing with them because I've been on the other end of that one one too many times. I don't like participating in PDA because I've been made uncomfortable by it a BUNCH of times. Intimacy is called that for a reason. If you do it (excessively) when other people are around, it just feels like you're doing it to be a showboating asshat, not because it's genuine. It's no less meaningful if no one is watching.

We'll go walkin' but nobody's talkin' / 'cause everything just seems clear. -Song for Lauren by The Harmed Brothers