My friend Jesse and I were talking and something he said made me realize that I don't really have close friends here.
Mike is 7 hours away. Abbie is across the country. Emily is in the land of School And Boyfriend. And of course I only start feeling like this when everyone is asleep or out with people.
It just kind of sucked to realize that every time I talk to anyone about anything serious they are hours and hours away from me. I have awesome people around me, I have FRIENDS, but I just go to school and come home. I've been invited to do something outside of school exactly once this year, and I was busy the day she wanted me to come over. Or at least I said I was. I don't even remember if I was actually busy or not.
I feel like my good moods are so precarious, like it takes nothing more than noisy roommates or a bad practice session to make me so inexpressibly angry. I'm totally fine during the day, I'm in classes that I enjoy and around people I like and thinking about Christmas. Then I come home and I get angry and sad over little fucking nothings. It's wrong.
WOE IS ME THE MIRACLE OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY IS NOT ENOUGH FOR ME.
Abbie, I get it now. I know it's not the same because I'm near home but I get it as well as I'm ever going to.
I'm putting this here because it's the closest thing to anonymity I have. I need to get out thoughts like this but I'm not putting a fucking sob story on tumblr or something.
This was supposed to be a really short post.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
It's not the same because you and I are different people in different places (physically as well as figuratively), not because I'm literally farther away from home and comfort than you are. My loneliness derives (recently) from receiving little comfort from the outlets I had previously found to compound my initial homesickness. Yours comes from no longer finding it in things that have always been comforting. Different, but just as real and heartbreaking.
ReplyDeletetl;dr - I know, love. It sucks.
Texting, skyping, facebook, calling - never the same as an in-person hug from someone who KNOWS the things they're supposed to know and love you. All we can do is take what comfort we CAN from those mediums and remind ourselves that it will most certainly not always be this way.
lessthansidewayseight