I Would Literally Rather Listen To You Have Sex

A haiku. *ahem*

Shut up shut up please
Do you know how much it sucks
To hear you assholes?

Something About Stoked

Song of the Day: Alexander's Ragtime Band

Remember that time I never post here anymore ever?

I'm going to attribute that lapse, like everything else, to my deadzors laptop last month. 

Man. All the exciting things happened in December and I'm not in a foul mood so I'm not sure what to write about.

Maybe the fact that I'm not in a foul mood. I think that's fairly ground-breaking to someone who only reads my blog, which is no one. But still.

I feel like I was really miserable a lot of the time during fall quarter, particularly at the beginning of it. And I know why, and it seemed ridiculous, but apparently that's just what happens when you make Emma feel feelings. That's something I avoided for a very long time.

But now life is really good. It's not ideal, nor should it ever be (because then what the hell are you alive for?). But I'm in a good mood most of the time, and it feels awesome that my default setting is no longer Grump. I can see myself improving on the cello, which is very nice. I feel like if I get a sub-par seat in orchestra it might not matter QUITE as much this quarter because I'm more focused on solo stuff and my chamber group; not that I'll be totally okay with it, but it will feel less like I worked tirelessly and got nothing for it. We shall see.

What is turning into our annual trip to Disneyland is almost fully set. Still need to get the park passes, but we have the other important stuff. And I think that even after that I'll be able to make it through the summer in relative comfort; I may even be able to afford a few summer classes! Thank youuuu, cheap-ass house in an inconvenient location! I REALLY want to take classes this summer; it will serve the dual purpose of getting grad requirements out of the way and keeping me busy, which I think we can all agree is a very good thing. I just really want to get GURs done so I can focus on becoming an awesome teacher and musician. Plus it'll force me to go outside, which is also good. You know, in moderation. 

Now I just have to wait for them to post the schedule. Hrm.

Okay I just got excited about this so I'm gonna go build my potential spring schedule. Smile and be awesome.

Desire and ambition fuel this heart / So take a breath and step into the light / Everything will be alright / This could all be yours someday. -This Could All Be Yours Someday, Guster

If I'm angry for one more day I'm going to give myself an aneurysm.

I Should Have Domesticated That Bat. What A Badass Pet.

My friend Jesse and I were talking and something he said made me realize that I don't really have close friends here.

Mike is 7 hours away. Abbie is across the country. Emily is in the land of School And Boyfriend. And of course I only start feeling like this when everyone is asleep or out with people.

It just kind of sucked to realize that every time I talk to anyone about anything serious they are hours and hours away from me. I have awesome people around me, I have FRIENDS, but I just go to school and come home. I've been invited to do something outside of school exactly once this year, and I was busy the day she wanted me to come over. Or at least I said I was. I don't even remember if I was actually busy or not.

I feel like my good moods are so precarious, like it takes nothing more than noisy roommates or a bad practice session to make me so inexpressibly angry. I'm totally fine during the day, I'm in classes that I enjoy and around people I like and thinking about Christmas. Then I come home and I get angry and sad over little fucking nothings. It's wrong.

WOE IS ME THE MIRACLE OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY IS NOT ENOUGH FOR ME.

Abbie, I get it now. I know it's not the same because I'm near home but I get it as well as I'm ever going to.

I'm putting this here because it's the closest thing to anonymity I have. I need to get out thoughts like this but I'm not putting a fucking sob story on tumblr or something.

This was supposed to be a really short post.

Weird and Trivial

Song of the Day: What Are You Doing New Year's Eve - The Orioles

So this is a really dumb problem to have and it's not even a problem, it just pricks at me temporarily whenever it happens.

I have been head-over-heels for Christmas my entire life. My dad and I were always butting heads because I wanted to listen to Christmas music before Thanksgiving, I was always heaving the boxes of decorations out of the closet with my sister the morning after Thanksgiving, and I don't think anything makes me happier than Christmas lights at dusk during December.

Kayley is the one who gets labeled as the obsessive lover of Christmas.

This is a REALLY dumb thing to get upset about ("upset" is a pretty strong word for what I actually feel). You would think I would love having someone around who loves it like I do. And when we're together, that's usually the case because we know all the songs by heart and can just go nuts together. But for some reason it stings when she gets recognized as Little Miss Christmas.

I was thinking about this a lot last night and I eventually thought of this: as a kid I was always sort of surreptitiously trying to be like my friends. It wasn't so much that I thought I wasn't good enough as I was, but I really admired my friends and I think I wanted them to admire me too, and I thought that by getting the same binder or having the same favorite color as them, I would matter to them as much as they mattered to me. Yeah, the insecurity/jealousy thing ain't new.

So with this in mind, you would think that finding people who liked things I ALREADY liked would be just super fantastic and wonderful. My actual reaction was frustration. I think because on those rare occasions when I managed to have an original opinion, someone having the same one shunted me right back to square one, where I didn't feel unique or worth admiring or recognizing.

I can only assume that this feeling comes back now because in my own head, Christmas is sort of my Thing and then someone else gets recognized for it. As if Christmas can only be ONE person's Thing. Another person who loves it as much as I do should make me REALLY happy! And I suppose it does when I get down to it. Spreading the cheer and all that.

I must also remind myself that Kayley is "internet famous" and is therefore going to get more recognition than me, period. Which is fine, I don't really want to be internet famous.

I'm going to go adore Christmas now because in an hour it will be the Christmas season! And I'm really not genuinely upset about this whole thing. It's a prickly annoyance when it happens and then it goes away. This is just me considering the "why" of it.

This has been another episode of Emma's Crazy Neuroses.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas / Soon the bells will start / But the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing / right within your heart. - It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas, Perry Como (and every other crooner ever)

A Sadness

Song of the Day: Sons and Daughters by The Decemberists


I declare this My Last Sad Post. But I need to write it.

I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling purposeless. I am tired of feeling weak because loneliness feels irrational and illogical and other "i" words with negative connotations.

I figured out what's bothering me. This loneliness is new to me. I had a pillar of support for about 10 months. It was there all the time and I didn't stop appreciating it, but I definitely got used to it. Then it just sort of got swept out from under me and I totally have the ability to support myself without it, I just have to get used to it.

This is not to say that he isn't there for me when we're apart, because that's not the case at all. But phone calls and skype are very very different from physical presence. I keep myself in this cycle of feeling sad, then feeling angry at myself for being sad, then letting myself be sad again, then getting angry at myself for letting myself get sad, and on and on and on. And my mind doesn't need that sort of abuse. It's okay to be sad, but I'm done with it. I'm done with tears and I'm done with wallowing.

I'm not under any delusion that I can snap my fingers and suddenly feel like life is Awesome and Exciting and Full Of Promise. But I can remind myself every day that it IS those things, and hopefully after a while I will listen, and after a little while longer I will stop needing the reminders. Because right now I feel absent from some people's lives, and in others I am a Weight and a Sadness and that stinks because it's making me selfish and I'd rather listen intently than whine about how sad I am that I have to  be away from someone I love as if no one else has ever gone through this.

In more positive news, I hit 115 pounds today (before breakfast). 5 more to my weight goal. From there I'll decide whether I need a new goal or just maintenance. I don't have to worry about dipping below 110 because, while that's the cutoff for eligibility to donate plasma, they rejected me because only one of my arms was suitable for their needles. And apparently they need BOTH arms to have good veins? Whatever. It's cool guys, I didn't need those extra $220 a month, those wouldn't have been really really great to have at all. Especially not in the next two weeks. Nope nope, don't need that at all.

Aaaaaand back to the loving place.



I'm fallin' fast like a bird that's lost its feathers / It's been searching for a note to deliver / When 
I get back, I might not say a word / But will you, will you still love me? -When I Get Back (Tailor-Made Blues), The Harmed Brothers

A List of Things I Want

Unfiltered by privilege-checking or a desire to pretend I'm really wise and selfless.

An instrument in my hands
A flatter tummy
Stronger muscles
Longer hair
Cuddle buddy
To know if that song that one time was directed at me
Someone I can talk to (physically in the room would be nice)
To stop feeling so upset about nothing
Motivation
A sweatshirt
To share my passion for music with people
To live in San Francisco
To excel
A successful career
A career, period
The courage to wear more noticeable outfits
Money to have Experiences
A car
A good singing voice
A stiff drink (or 5)
A jaw that doesn't hurt
A side that doesn't hurt
Feet that don't hurt
Knees that don't hurt
A way to minimize my sister's stress
Inspiration for a wedding toast
To figure out what's independence and what's fear; to embrace the independence and overcome the fear
A dog
Another tattoo
A cup of tea
Functioning lungs/heart
Everything to work out. Eventually.
Everyone to be okay. Soon.

Gravity is working against me / And gravity wants to bring me down / Oh twice as much ain't twice as good / And can't sustain like one half could / it's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees. -Gravity, John Mayer