I guess I should start posting here again. It's a safer place to put stuff that I don't want out on my sites with actual followers. Gotta start filtering shit again.

FASCINATING.

Of Course

Song of the Day:

It's the return of Emma's Angsty-Ass Blog! Apologies in advance.

Last night I found myself totally unable to study for an exam I had this morning. No real reason, I don't think, just some fluke that killed my focus. So I went to bed intending to get to campus at 8:45 and skipping my 9:00 class to study for my exam at 10:00. I woke up this morning at 8:15. So I ended up not having an hour, but about 20 minutes to study for the exam. The test was a little more difficult than I anticipated, but I don't think I failed it.

After history, I had two hours during which I attempted to practice but I think I'm getting sick so my energy was at rock bottom and I couldn't make anything work. I took a break to rest my hands before orchestra and I heard some classmates talking about becoming good conductors. One of them said she takes private conducting lessons and travels to schools to conduct. That basically made me want to curl up and die because I realized that I have no hope of excelling against that sort of competition. I currently have no way of getting around to other schools and even if I did, I don't know how I'd contact them or convince them to let me conduct their classes. I don't know how to get private conducting lessons or if that's even normal (it's not, but I don't know how many people are doing it). I just feel like I'm not doing everything I can to do well but I don't feel like I have the resources/knowledge to change that.

I also didn't get the job I interviewed for. It went to some girl who's quiet as hell (which normally wouldn't matter but this job involves making announcements and being approachable and she's just really not). The conductor (who made the decision) said it was based on experience she had that the rest of us didn't quite match. You know what might have been nice? If you'd, I don't know, asked me or given me a chance to tell you about my work experience. I know organization, I know filing, I know stocking, I know menial tasks, I know customer interaction. Maybe this is me making excuses, but it feels sort of unfair that they based it off of experience and didn't ask me about mine. There were only 5 minutes, it's not like they gave me much chance to mention it myself.

Also, discovered that my new stand partner thinks bowings and counting are optional. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it makes a huge difference when someone is next to you fucking up.

The section leader came to me after class and said I looked like I was having a rough day. So he invited me to come with him to the music library to chat with him while he does some research for a paper. And while I've had some support via text today, it was really nice to have someone who's actually here trying to help instead of contributing my bad day (which people have been doing unintentionally all day).

I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I just need to figure out how to be more. Right now I'm just Some and I'll never get anywhere unless I'm More. I'm so afraid that I'll find out what I need to do and just be unable to do any of it. It hadn't occurred to me until sometime last week that I might just be a shitty conductor/teacher. I've been so excited about teaching that I hadn't stopped to consider that possibility. I might be a good, interesting person and all that, but there's only so much that will do for me. I have to be GOOD at what I do. I have to be INCREDIBLE at it. Okay. I have some plans for approaching this issue but for now I'm going to wallow. Just for tonight. I suppose it's a good thing I'm getting sick because I can't eat my feelings. Yaaaaay for feeling sick every time you eat.

Okay done complaining BAI.

I Would Literally Rather Listen To You Have Sex

A haiku. *ahem*

Shut up shut up please
Do you know how much it sucks
To hear you assholes?

Something About Stoked

Song of the Day: Alexander's Ragtime Band

Remember that time I never post here anymore ever?

I'm going to attribute that lapse, like everything else, to my deadzors laptop last month. 

Man. All the exciting things happened in December and I'm not in a foul mood so I'm not sure what to write about.

Maybe the fact that I'm not in a foul mood. I think that's fairly ground-breaking to someone who only reads my blog, which is no one. But still.

I feel like I was really miserable a lot of the time during fall quarter, particularly at the beginning of it. And I know why, and it seemed ridiculous, but apparently that's just what happens when you make Emma feel feelings. That's something I avoided for a very long time.

But now life is really good. It's not ideal, nor should it ever be (because then what the hell are you alive for?). But I'm in a good mood most of the time, and it feels awesome that my default setting is no longer Grump. I can see myself improving on the cello, which is very nice. I feel like if I get a sub-par seat in orchestra it might not matter QUITE as much this quarter because I'm more focused on solo stuff and my chamber group; not that I'll be totally okay with it, but it will feel less like I worked tirelessly and got nothing for it. We shall see.

What is turning into our annual trip to Disneyland is almost fully set. Still need to get the park passes, but we have the other important stuff. And I think that even after that I'll be able to make it through the summer in relative comfort; I may even be able to afford a few summer classes! Thank youuuu, cheap-ass house in an inconvenient location! I REALLY want to take classes this summer; it will serve the dual purpose of getting grad requirements out of the way and keeping me busy, which I think we can all agree is a very good thing. I just really want to get GURs done so I can focus on becoming an awesome teacher and musician. Plus it'll force me to go outside, which is also good. You know, in moderation. 

Now I just have to wait for them to post the schedule. Hrm.

Okay I just got excited about this so I'm gonna go build my potential spring schedule. Smile and be awesome.

Desire and ambition fuel this heart / So take a breath and step into the light / Everything will be alright / This could all be yours someday. -This Could All Be Yours Someday, Guster

If I'm angry for one more day I'm going to give myself an aneurysm.

I Should Have Domesticated That Bat. What A Badass Pet.

My friend Jesse and I were talking and something he said made me realize that I don't really have close friends here.

Mike is 7 hours away. Abbie is across the country. Emily is in the land of School And Boyfriend. And of course I only start feeling like this when everyone is asleep or out with people.

It just kind of sucked to realize that every time I talk to anyone about anything serious they are hours and hours away from me. I have awesome people around me, I have FRIENDS, but I just go to school and come home. I've been invited to do something outside of school exactly once this year, and I was busy the day she wanted me to come over. Or at least I said I was. I don't even remember if I was actually busy or not.

I feel like my good moods are so precarious, like it takes nothing more than noisy roommates or a bad practice session to make me so inexpressibly angry. I'm totally fine during the day, I'm in classes that I enjoy and around people I like and thinking about Christmas. Then I come home and I get angry and sad over little fucking nothings. It's wrong.

WOE IS ME THE MIRACLE OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY IS NOT ENOUGH FOR ME.

Abbie, I get it now. I know it's not the same because I'm near home but I get it as well as I'm ever going to.

I'm putting this here because it's the closest thing to anonymity I have. I need to get out thoughts like this but I'm not putting a fucking sob story on tumblr or something.

This was supposed to be a really short post.

Weird and Trivial

Song of the Day: What Are You Doing New Year's Eve - The Orioles

So this is a really dumb problem to have and it's not even a problem, it just pricks at me temporarily whenever it happens.

I have been head-over-heels for Christmas my entire life. My dad and I were always butting heads because I wanted to listen to Christmas music before Thanksgiving, I was always heaving the boxes of decorations out of the closet with my sister the morning after Thanksgiving, and I don't think anything makes me happier than Christmas lights at dusk during December.

Kayley is the one who gets labeled as the obsessive lover of Christmas.

This is a REALLY dumb thing to get upset about ("upset" is a pretty strong word for what I actually feel). You would think I would love having someone around who loves it like I do. And when we're together, that's usually the case because we know all the songs by heart and can just go nuts together. But for some reason it stings when she gets recognized as Little Miss Christmas.

I was thinking about this a lot last night and I eventually thought of this: as a kid I was always sort of surreptitiously trying to be like my friends. It wasn't so much that I thought I wasn't good enough as I was, but I really admired my friends and I think I wanted them to admire me too, and I thought that by getting the same binder or having the same favorite color as them, I would matter to them as much as they mattered to me. Yeah, the insecurity/jealousy thing ain't new.

So with this in mind, you would think that finding people who liked things I ALREADY liked would be just super fantastic and wonderful. My actual reaction was frustration. I think because on those rare occasions when I managed to have an original opinion, someone having the same one shunted me right back to square one, where I didn't feel unique or worth admiring or recognizing.

I can only assume that this feeling comes back now because in my own head, Christmas is sort of my Thing and then someone else gets recognized for it. As if Christmas can only be ONE person's Thing. Another person who loves it as much as I do should make me REALLY happy! And I suppose it does when I get down to it. Spreading the cheer and all that.

I must also remind myself that Kayley is "internet famous" and is therefore going to get more recognition than me, period. Which is fine, I don't really want to be internet famous.

I'm going to go adore Christmas now because in an hour it will be the Christmas season! And I'm really not genuinely upset about this whole thing. It's a prickly annoyance when it happens and then it goes away. This is just me considering the "why" of it.

This has been another episode of Emma's Crazy Neuroses.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas / Soon the bells will start / But the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing / right within your heart. - It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas, Perry Como (and every other crooner ever)