In Which A Good Evening Makes Up For An "Eh" Day

Song of the Day: Starlight by Muse

I have this weird thing where when people ask how I am, not matter how little they care or how obligatory their asking is, I don't want to lie. I mean if I'm at work and someone says, "Good morning, how are you?" I'll probably respond with, "Not too bad, how are you?" But for some reason, if I'm not doing well, I really don't like saying I'm doing well.

Keeping that in mind, I saw two people today who I've been missing a ton 'cause they've been off doing the whole college thang. Well, one has, the other is pretty much doing the same thing as me just in Portland. And when we were hugging and exchanging "How are you's" I automatically responded with, "I'm good!" (grammatically unsound, I know). Which is something because recently I've been saying, "I'm all right" or "I'm okay." And yes, I'm stressing about school and auditions and junk like that, but certain things that have been a little heavy lately don't seem to weigh on me quite as much anymore. Which is awesome.

Tonight was so awesome. It was just so nice to sit down with Zach and Lucas and Lauren and Gus (who I hadn't actually met before but he seems pretty cool) and even though it's been ages since we saw each other, we just fell back into being so comfortable around each other and aside from a few check-in questions about what we're doing in the fall, it was like nothing had changed. And no matter how much shit they gave me about my height (I think Gus was the only one under 6 feet apart from me), I couldn't help loving them so, so much. I think college agrees with Zach, he seems to laugh more easily and more genuinely than he did senior year. That was nice to see.

Pretty much every time I laugh, my eyes water like crazy. And when that happened tonight, I realize how little I laugh. This year, at least. It's not that I'm unhappy, exactly. It's that I've just been around friends so little since September. I laugh REALLY easily (I actually used to get teased because it was so easy to make me cry from laughing), so when I'm with a bunch of people my eyes are just streaming constantly. And since everyone moved away, if I've been with a friend it's generally just been one and things tend to be more mellow in those situations. I love hanging out one-on-one. But being with a group is pretty fantastic too. I think it's just a different energy, and that's why the laughter is different. I've seen Lauren off and on because she lives close, but with Zach and Lucas it was like, "Damn, now I remember why it was so hard to stop missing you."

Well this has been an exceptionally mushy and sappy post. I'd better leave it here. I haven't been unhappy, per se, but this is a certain angle of happiness that I had semi-forgotten.

Plus the Sounders won against RLS! Woop!

When you're alone / Who comes around / to pluck you up / When you are down? -The Vultures, The Jungle Book

Single

Song of the Day: Sherry by The Four Seasons

That word has described me for a long time. Single. It described me for over 19 years. And I was really cool with that.

Enter the boy. For whatever reason, he really bothered to look at me like I mattered in a way I never had. I had all sorts of defenses in place to make sure I never let anything like that happen. He sort of blew all that to hell, and I let him. And I was REALLY glad that I let him.

I wasn't demonstrative enough. No matter what I wanted to do I couldn't make myself do it, and eventually he started to feel like we were just "friends that kissed sometimes." I can understand why he felt that way. I tried really hard to make myself comfortable with physical displays of affection but when the moment showed itself for some reason I had a hard time. He WAS my first boyfriend, so I guess I was still figuring out what was expected of me or some shit like that. And then he stopped pushing for it, seemed to stop wanting it, and that made it even harder. I knew he drew back a little because I seemed so indifferent, but I just couldn't fix it fast enough.

It's also because I'm going north for school. He says he doesn't trust himself with the distance. The physical stuff is big for him, and if he doesn't have that, well, look what happens. Each good-night kiss gets a little shorter. But I suppose I should be glad he knows he couldn't handle the distance, and it's better to end now than to fix the physical aspect of things, get to a really good place and then have to call it quits in September. I told him that parts of me wish I were going to UW and he said if I was having second thoughts I shouldn't go to Western. I know I'll be happy at Western and I know I want to go there, whereas going to UW would maybe keep me with him. And that, frankly, is a really tempting thought. But I'm just a bit too average to be a Husky.

So I'm looking at this as a learning experience. I now know what I need to work on, should I ever find myself in a relationship again. I know what I need, too. I need Chris Duclos, but we both need us to be in the same place for long enough. So that's that.

I suppose I'm back where I started. I don't need to be in a relationship, I was single for 19 years. I am still fine with never getting married. I now have a good friend in Chris. It looks like we'll still hang out and just not kiss goodnight. We get along really well and I'm glad he'll still be in my life. Yeah, I wish I'd moved a little faster. But this also sucks more the more I think about it so I think this is going to end here.

Still I wish there was something you would do or say / to try and make me change my mind and stay / But we never did too much talking anyway / So don't think twice, it's all right. -Don't Think Twice It's All Right by Bob Dylan