Git 'r Dun

Song of the Day: Sweet Pea by Amos Lee

Welp. I forgot my math book at home, so I'm without things to do until my theory teacher's office hour in an hour. I suppose I could go practice a little, but frankly I need to spare my wrists until a longer sesh this evening.

I seem to have set goals. They weren't exactly conscious, but within a short period of time I just sort of decided that I wanted to do certain things, or do them better. I figure, what better place to keep track of such things than on a blog that no one reads?

Goal 1: Eat in more often / just eat better. As thing get busier, Mike and I have noticed a tendency in ourselves to just pick up food while we're out because we frankly don't feel like going home and cooking after a long day. The problem is, what's easiest tends to be places like Wendy's. That's totally fine once in a while, but I'm pretty sure I've gained back the weight I lost in the fall and I don't care for it. I'm making a conscious effort to eat more fruit (that's going well so far; I've been drinking orange juice daily, and upping the amount of apples and strawberries I buy). I'm going to try turning to better food when I want snacks, like an apple or toast (because in my house, the health nut purchases bread and we end up with Honey Oat or Whole Wheat, which is a good thing). I'm going to try to start making toast in the mornings to take with me in the car, because I always get ravenous halfway through my first class, and while I bring a Clif Bar with me, it just doesn't quite say "good morning." So I buy coffee and a bagel and don't feel so awesome (mostly because of the coffee).

Goal 2: Increase practice time (aim: 14 hours/week). I'm sick of getting to lessons and realizing I've made little or no progress. I'm here to dedicate myself to music, so I'm doing myself a disservice if I don't practice like I should.

Goal 3: Set aside an hour before bed every night for reading. Simply put, I miss reading. I'm not in literary classes, so I'm not forced to read anything, and I'm not using my time wisely outside of class. So from 9-10 (yes, I have a bedtime of 10:00) is designated as reading time. It also serves as a nice wind-down from the day, rather than doing math homework right before trying to sleep.

Goal 4: Drink more water. I don't drink nearly enough, and I never have. I got a little better for a while, but I slacked off and I need to jump back on the hydration wagon. I bought a water bottle today, and my goal is to fill it twice every day. Obviously I have a little leeway because I also drink tea and orange juice pretty regularly, but with one mug/cup of each of those per day, I'm still looking at 1.5 bottles of water (the bottle is 24 oz.). I think it'll make me feel better (even if it means the sacrifice of peeing a little more often), and I'll probably lose a little weight and see my skin get a bit healthier.

I thought I would have more than 4 goals, but maybe not. And maybe that's okay. Too many goals can bog a person down. These 4 are very doable, and I can work toward all of them simultaneously without feeling overwhelmed. And they'll work together to make me healthier, both physically and mentally. Then maybe I'll be like this:

I am ready for spring. I am ready for warm. I am ready to actually want to go outside again. (And I'm ready to look good doing it =p ) Edit: I also hope to get my next tattoo within a year. S there's that. Yaaaaay needles.

Be kind to your baby / There be a change in me / Baby please make a change / I think it will do you good. -Baby Please Make A Change, Hugh Laurie

Broken

Song of the Day: Chicago by Sufjan Stevens

It's time once again for Emma Has Odd Dreams And Tries To Think Too Hard About Them! *applause*

So let's just dive right in with last night's dream. It played out very much like a movie; it started with the very end of my fall and me hitting the ground. Hard. I laid there, my eyes closed, telling myself I was going to die and to just fall asleep and let it happen. But I didn't die.

There was a flashback of sorts to how I got there. It was a twisted version of 9/11 (though I referred to it as 9/11 in the dream). There was a plane that crashed across the top of a huge building, skimming off the parking garage (don't ask me how there was a parking garage at the top of a skyscraper). I was in one of the cars that got launched off the building; for some reason I decided to fling myself out of the car. I remember really experiencing the fall, and noticing how the blind panic of a short fall goes away after the first few seconds when you have a lot of distance to cover. And then I slammed into the concrete. And didn't die.

I'm fuzzy on how I got back to my mother. As will happen in dreams, it just sort of took care of itself. She didn't seem that churned up about it. She was glad I was okay and she hugged me, but that was sort of it. I hurt all over, I could feel major bruises all over my body and I just didn't feel right. I went to look in a mirror. I was right, there were bruises everywhere, already tinged green. Parts of my body looked like they were a little out of alignment, like I had seams that weren't lining up quite right. And my face. It was all in one piece, but something was REALLY wrong with it. Something about my eyes was majorly out of sorts; I think there was too much skin around them or something. It was like the most subtly grotesque mask of my real face.

My mother's attitude was reflected in everyone else. No one seemed to care much that I had been in the 9/11 attacks and survived a fall from a skyscraper. And while I should have just been super happy and really thankful that I was alive at all, I found myself being really frustrated that no one had worried about where I was, or was worrying about my state now. No one hugged me, no one cried, no one asked me how I was doing, no one rushed me to the hospital. My mom and sister actually took me out shopping with them. Like everything was totally fine. Like nothing had happened.

That was kind of it. Everything made a lot of sense (not necessarily logic obviously, but everything was clear and there weren't a lot of time skips), and I just kept being ticked off that I was totally broken and no one seemed to give a shit. Which is really whiny and I hate that sort of mentality, but there it is. I don't really have any sort of insight as to the meaning behind it; I'm not broken in any sense right now. I'm really solidly whole, as a matter of fact. And that's not really something new.

Abbie, you know me better than anyone. Feel free to take a stab at it.

'Cause I toss / and I turn / and it doesn't feel right / Oh, save me from wakin' up tonight. -First Impressions, Julia Nunes

Love or Some Shit Like That.

Song of the Day: Stay Awake by Julia Nunes

All right, kids. It's February. And February brings with it one of my least favorite days: Valentine's Day.

"But Emma," you may say, "you have a boyfriend; shouldn't you be excited about the prospect of such a day?" And to you I say HUSH, FIEND.

My dislike of the day was never predicated on the fact that I had no significant other, so the fact that I have one now does nothing to assuage my disgust. It is a stupid day and that's all there is to it (isn't it funny how I say that and have yet to go into quite a bit more detail?). Let me explain how each demographic is supposed to feel about Valentine's Day:

Men in a relationship: "Oh god, she's going to expect jewelry. She doesn't wear fancy necklaces that often...I'll give her nice earrings. No, she already has earrings just like the ones I'd get her. That ring is nice. Oh no, a ring is my only choice. Now I have to ask her to marry me. I can't get married. YOU JUST GET A BOX OF CHOCOLATES, YOU MANIPULATIVE BITCH."

Women in a relationship: "No no, it's a GOOD thing. It's a nice easy day for guys to remember; it's an opportunity for them to make up for not getting us stuff for our birthday or forgetting our anniversary. We don't want much, just dinner at a nice restaurant, 12 red roses and diamonds in one form or another."

Single men: "Welp. I'm gonna go get wasted with my other single bros."

Single women: "I'M GOING TO DIE ALOOOOOONE!!" *chugs wine* *binges on chocolate*

And I hate that when a single person dislikes Valentine's Day, people are like, "Stop being a bitter single, it's just about love in general, not romantic love." Or, my personal favorite, "We're enjoying OUR love, not rubbing it in the faces of other people." Oh. Oh, sweetheart. Yes you are. I've actually heard someone say that single people shouldn't be out on Valentine's Day because then it's their own fault they're sad because they are forcing themselves into the situation of watching happy couples celebrating their relationships. So now, in addition to being reminded of their singleness (which, in our society, is portrayed as an inherently BAD thing, which is utter excrement), people who aren't in relationships aren't even allowed to GO OUTSIDE because then they're just making THEMSELVES feel bad. Okay. Just so we're clear. And you're still trying to convince me it's about "all types" of love?

Bullshit.

It's about romantic love (true, my dad used to bring home flowers for my sister and me as well as my mom on VDay, but that's because my dad is awesome). Yes, there is a little part of me that dislikes it because it rubs relationships in the face of singles. It says, "If you don't have a significant other, you DON'T GET to participate in this holiday." But there are other reasons. Red and pink look stupid together. The gamble chocolates are rarely very good. Valentine's Day cards are generally sappy. It's an excuse for girls to justify asking guys to spend a lot of money on them. It can make some single people feel awful. It's DUMB.

And like, doing something for someone on Valentine's Day almost makes it an obligation instead of a genuine gesture. As I type this I'm realizing you could apply the same logic to Christmas, but for some unjustifiable reason the two seem different to me. Like Christmas is about loving and appreciating EVERYONE in your life, regardless of what TYPE of love you feel for them, and purchased gifts aren't necessary for that. But there's a very prescribed list of things you give to / do for your lady on Valentine's Day. You take her out to dinner. You give her something sparkly. You give her roses. You fuck her a little bit. Maybe you get coerced into watching a Meg Ryan film or something. You go to bed feeling like you've dodged a bullet and can't afford so much as new socks for the next 7 months.

My point: it's dumb. It just feels contrived and forced and obligatory and manipulative and greedy.

I want to yell at all the bummed-out single people, "You are all loved! This holiday is stupid and is trying to make you feel bad about your situation! NOWHERE is it written that you are less complete without a spouse! PLEASE value yourself as a person and stop believing this bullshit that you are only worth something as part of a couple!"

A disclaimer: I'm not saying that being in love isn't awesome. It really is. But my point is that Valentine's Day isn't about love the way everyone says it is. If it were, there would just be ads everywhere saying, "Tell someone you love them and mean it." No. It's about getting stuff. Which is such a hideous use of someone's love for you.

I'm not really rant-and-rave angry, just DEEPLY disappointed in humans. Love isn't always romantic, and gifts do not a solid relationship make. No one type of love is stronger than another, they all deserve celebration and they all deserve it DAILY, not annually.

End rant.

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you. -First Day of My Life, Bright Eyes