The Head and The Heart

Song of the Day: Sunshine by Julia Nunes

This post is in response to Michael's post. I don't have it outlined or anything, but it'll be about vulnerability and all that jazz.

I personally have a REALLY hard time letting myself be vulnerable. I can count the number of times I've cried since age 15 on one hand, and I think only one of those was in front of someone (despite my efforts to keep myself together). Before I got together with Mike, my biggest hurdle was letting myself be vulnerable enough to be in a relationship; I still have trouble expressing how I feel, not just because I'm generally inarticulate but because it's hard to just sort of spill my guts out loud. I usually use this blog for the gut-spilling, if I spill them at all.

I spent a good chunk of my life making myself "strong." To me, being strong meant not crying, not falling in love, not being vulnerable. Especially the falling in love bit, because I associated falling in love with getting hurt. I have these weird double standards with emotions; like I don't consider being in love or crying to be signs of weakness in others (quite the opposite, actually), but when I cry, for example, I feel awful and weak and foolish.

What's funny is I generally consider myself a Gryffindor. But when push comes to shove, it's REALLY hard for me to be brave and let myself be vulnerable. I had to have a lot of conversations with close friends (and Mike) that went like this:

Friend: Do you like him?

Me: Yes.

Friend: Does he like you?

Me: Yes.

Friend: Would this be a good idea?

Me: It would be a wonderful idea.

Friend: So are you going to go for it?

Me: I DON'T KNOOOOOWWWWWWW.

Because letting that happen went against everything I'd worked for over the years. Basically I had to do a cost-benefit analysis and decide whether it was worth losing my idea of strength to gain a whole new one. And it was.

I still don't cry. Mostly it's just that I don't cry very easily, but conversely I think I've trained that into myself. Music is the most likely thing to get me. If I feel like crying in a movie, it's probably because of the movie. The worst is "End of an Era" by Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls. It pretty much goes past making me cry and just sort of makes me choke and gag, so I just can't listen to it. It's sort of ridiculous. The score from Lord of the Rings threatens to choke me up sometimes too. But if tears appear, they never fall.

Welp. I'm going to have lunch. Michael, I hope you enjoy(ed) Looking For Alaska. In your John Green adventures, don't forget Let It Snow! And let yourself be vulnerable once in a while; it's almost always worth it.

And my head told my heart, "Let love grow," / But my heart told my head, "This time no." -Winter Winds, Mumford & Sons

THE HOBBIT TRAILER THOUGH

I CAN NOT PROPERLY EXPRESS MY EXCITEMENT FOR THIS FILM.

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/wb/thehobbit/

The trailer just smacked me in the heart with all of the insane, wiggly emotions that go along with "The Lord of the Rings," which I have not watched in so long that I had all but forgotten them. Like the bit where I get so happy and excited that I sort of choke. I can't even. This is going to be such a good 21st birthday gift.

I'm going to watch Fellowship of the Ring tomorrow night. That's a thing I need to do. God. Peter Jackson is just...he knows. He knows.

I just remembered that I have a tattoo that is a damn obscure reference to The Hobbit. I don't think I've ever felt cooler.

MUST EXPRESS EXCITEMENT ON EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM.

*runs off barefoot and singing a hobbit ballad*

Forgot to Post This Last Night

Song of the Day: Mr. Tinman by Lamppost Revival

"Another year, gone."

Welp. I'm 20 now. So that's weird. I definitely don't FEEL old enough to not have "teen" be part of my age. On the plus side, Mike and I are within the same decade now, so it sounds less weird xD

As birthdays go, today was kind of blah. Saw an old family friend who (naturally) crooned over remembering when I was born and not believing I was 20 already. Then I got to go to the hospital--this is the fun part. It was actually the hospital I was born in (inwhichIwasborn). I haven't set foot in it since my birth, but somehow I managed to go back exactly 2 decades later. I was just there for an ultrasound to find out what that weird pain in my side is; the technician didn't scream or anything, so I'm assuming it's nothing horrific. Then again, they usually don't tell you anything at the time, they send it to the doctor and they go over the results with you. So we'll see.

Facebook is funny. People I haven't talked to since high school, some even since middle school, wished me a happy birthday today. Sometimes I think that seems phony because obviously they only know it's my birthday because Facebook told them, but on the flipside they took that information and bothered to drop me a line. So I decided to appreciate it.

Michael made his Tumblr into a sort of birthday card for me. So that was sweet. Thanks dude!

I think today was mostly lame because nobody's home yet. Brett and Abbie are coming home tomorrow night. I am very excited to have them around. Also going to see Mike tomorrow, which will be good.

I really wish I were done with doctors for a while. But I know I'll have to deal with them at least two more times before break is over. Wheeeee.

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining about my birthday. I'm really not. I got lots of birthday wishes from peeps I love and Skyped with some awesome people. And my mom bought me a milkshake. So that was good. Um. Yes. The end.

But through failure I'll proceed / And she'll see how far I've come. -Speak, Nickel Creek