Of Course

Song of the Day:

It's the return of Emma's Angsty-Ass Blog! Apologies in advance.

Last night I found myself totally unable to study for an exam I had this morning. No real reason, I don't think, just some fluke that killed my focus. So I went to bed intending to get to campus at 8:45 and skipping my 9:00 class to study for my exam at 10:00. I woke up this morning at 8:15. So I ended up not having an hour, but about 20 minutes to study for the exam. The test was a little more difficult than I anticipated, but I don't think I failed it.

After history, I had two hours during which I attempted to practice but I think I'm getting sick so my energy was at rock bottom and I couldn't make anything work. I took a break to rest my hands before orchestra and I heard some classmates talking about becoming good conductors. One of them said she takes private conducting lessons and travels to schools to conduct. That basically made me want to curl up and die because I realized that I have no hope of excelling against that sort of competition. I currently have no way of getting around to other schools and even if I did, I don't know how I'd contact them or convince them to let me conduct their classes. I don't know how to get private conducting lessons or if that's even normal (it's not, but I don't know how many people are doing it). I just feel like I'm not doing everything I can to do well but I don't feel like I have the resources/knowledge to change that.

I also didn't get the job I interviewed for. It went to some girl who's quiet as hell (which normally wouldn't matter but this job involves making announcements and being approachable and she's just really not). The conductor (who made the decision) said it was based on experience she had that the rest of us didn't quite match. You know what might have been nice? If you'd, I don't know, asked me or given me a chance to tell you about my work experience. I know organization, I know filing, I know stocking, I know menial tasks, I know customer interaction. Maybe this is me making excuses, but it feels sort of unfair that they based it off of experience and didn't ask me about mine. There were only 5 minutes, it's not like they gave me much chance to mention it myself.

Also, discovered that my new stand partner thinks bowings and counting are optional. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it makes a huge difference when someone is next to you fucking up.

The section leader came to me after class and said I looked like I was having a rough day. So he invited me to come with him to the music library to chat with him while he does some research for a paper. And while I've had some support via text today, it was really nice to have someone who's actually here trying to help instead of contributing my bad day (which people have been doing unintentionally all day).

I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I just need to figure out how to be more. Right now I'm just Some and I'll never get anywhere unless I'm More. I'm so afraid that I'll find out what I need to do and just be unable to do any of it. It hadn't occurred to me until sometime last week that I might just be a shitty conductor/teacher. I've been so excited about teaching that I hadn't stopped to consider that possibility. I might be a good, interesting person and all that, but there's only so much that will do for me. I have to be GOOD at what I do. I have to be INCREDIBLE at it. Okay. I have some plans for approaching this issue but for now I'm going to wallow. Just for tonight. I suppose it's a good thing I'm getting sick because I can't eat my feelings. Yaaaaay for feeling sick every time you eat.

Okay done complaining BAI.

I Would Literally Rather Listen To You Have Sex

A haiku. *ahem*

Shut up shut up please
Do you know how much it sucks
To hear you assholes?