A Sadness

Song of the Day: Sons and Daughters by The Decemberists


I declare this My Last Sad Post. But I need to write it.

I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling purposeless. I am tired of feeling weak because loneliness feels irrational and illogical and other "i" words with negative connotations.

I figured out what's bothering me. This loneliness is new to me. I had a pillar of support for about 10 months. It was there all the time and I didn't stop appreciating it, but I definitely got used to it. Then it just sort of got swept out from under me and I totally have the ability to support myself without it, I just have to get used to it.

This is not to say that he isn't there for me when we're apart, because that's not the case at all. But phone calls and skype are very very different from physical presence. I keep myself in this cycle of feeling sad, then feeling angry at myself for being sad, then letting myself be sad again, then getting angry at myself for letting myself get sad, and on and on and on. And my mind doesn't need that sort of abuse. It's okay to be sad, but I'm done with it. I'm done with tears and I'm done with wallowing.

I'm not under any delusion that I can snap my fingers and suddenly feel like life is Awesome and Exciting and Full Of Promise. But I can remind myself every day that it IS those things, and hopefully after a while I will listen, and after a little while longer I will stop needing the reminders. Because right now I feel absent from some people's lives, and in others I am a Weight and a Sadness and that stinks because it's making me selfish and I'd rather listen intently than whine about how sad I am that I have to  be away from someone I love as if no one else has ever gone through this.

In more positive news, I hit 115 pounds today (before breakfast). 5 more to my weight goal. From there I'll decide whether I need a new goal or just maintenance. I don't have to worry about dipping below 110 because, while that's the cutoff for eligibility to donate plasma, they rejected me because only one of my arms was suitable for their needles. And apparently they need BOTH arms to have good veins? Whatever. It's cool guys, I didn't need those extra $220 a month, those wouldn't have been really really great to have at all. Especially not in the next two weeks. Nope nope, don't need that at all.

Aaaaaand back to the loving place.



I'm fallin' fast like a bird that's lost its feathers / It's been searching for a note to deliver / When 
I get back, I might not say a word / But will you, will you still love me? -When I Get Back (Tailor-Made Blues), The Harmed Brothers

A List of Things I Want

Unfiltered by privilege-checking or a desire to pretend I'm really wise and selfless.

An instrument in my hands
A flatter tummy
Stronger muscles
Longer hair
Cuddle buddy
To know if that song that one time was directed at me
Someone I can talk to (physically in the room would be nice)
To stop feeling so upset about nothing
Motivation
A sweatshirt
To share my passion for music with people
To live in San Francisco
To excel
A successful career
A career, period
The courage to wear more noticeable outfits
Money to have Experiences
A car
A good singing voice
A stiff drink (or 5)
A jaw that doesn't hurt
A side that doesn't hurt
Feet that don't hurt
Knees that don't hurt
A way to minimize my sister's stress
Inspiration for a wedding toast
To figure out what's independence and what's fear; to embrace the independence and overcome the fear
A dog
Another tattoo
A cup of tea
Functioning lungs/heart
Everything to work out. Eventually.
Everyone to be okay. Soon.

Gravity is working against me / And gravity wants to bring me down / Oh twice as much ain't twice as good / And can't sustain like one half could / it's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees. -Gravity, John Mayer