A Depressing Post

Song of the Day: Norwegian Wood by The Beatles

Dear Anya*,

Today was pretty balls, and the way it started was most of the problem. I got no sleep (I don't think I got more than a couple of hours all together), and then my alarm went off as usual. I delayed it for 15 minutes, and in those 15 minutes I managed to fall asleep and had a dream.

It started out pretty dumb, the way my dreams usually do. There was a deer in my house (my parents' house) and you were looking at it like you wanted to charge at it. So I took you into the back room while Mom got the deer outside. You really wanted to chase that thing, but you were good and you followed me. After we got the whole thing squared away, I hugged you and told you what a good dog you were. Suddenly I noticed that you were just a little too small, and you were wearing your red collar. You wore a red collar when you were just 7 or 8 years old. That was when I realized that you had died, and had somehow come back to me. But that meant you had to leave again.

As I realized this, you started to age. You got a little bigger (very slowly, aging a few years every minute or so). You got a little grayer. Your coat became less shiny. I started crying, trying to make you comfortable, trying to make it stop. You laid down and I could tell you knew exactly what was happening. I was hysterical by this point, and the whole thing felt way too real. Probably because I had already felt it. I watched you die in real life, and now I had to watch you die again inside my own head. I kept begging you to tell me what I could do, like I really expected a response.

My alarm went off again right as you slipped away. I woke up, controlled my tears, and went in to shower. I actually thought I might throw up, but the tightness in my throat subsided as I forced myself to calm down. I've tried not to think about that dream throughout the day but it just brought up everything that sucked about that day; knowing you were in pain, wondering if we were betraying you or relieving you, wondering if we had held on too long in our selfish desire for your company, just trying to make sure you were as comfortable as you could be. We didn't cry until you were gone. We wanted you to know everything was going to be okay.

At any rate, I hope you are somewhere wonderful and warm. I hope someone plays with you and lets you sleep on their bed, and doesn't fight back the way I did when you took over most of it. I hope your hips don't hurt. I hope you know how much I love you, and that you are the reason I love dogs and want another one, but know that I could never replace you and the 14 years you gave me.

I wonder if my body was keeping me awake last night because it knew that dream was lurking in my subconscious. I appreciate the effort, I suppose, even if it was for nothing. I felt bad for Mike because it was like, "Good morning, you have an emotionally distraught girlfriend to deal with!"

That's the sort of dream that makes you afraid to fall asleep again.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

*This star is really just for Michael, who may want to note that Anya was my dog