That word has described me for a long time. Single. It described me for over 19 years. And I was really cool with that.
Enter the boy. For whatever reason, he really bothered to look at me like I mattered in a way I never had. I had all sorts of defenses in place to make sure I never let anything like that happen. He sort of blew all that to hell, and I let him. And I was REALLY glad that I let him.
I wasn't demonstrative enough. No matter what I wanted to do I couldn't make myself do it, and eventually he started to feel like we were just "friends that kissed sometimes." I can understand why he felt that way. I tried really hard to make myself comfortable with physical displays of affection but when the moment showed itself for some reason I had a hard time. He WAS my first boyfriend, so I guess I was still figuring out what was expected of me or some shit like that. And then he stopped pushing for it, seemed to stop wanting it, and that made it even harder. I knew he drew back a little because I seemed so indifferent, but I just couldn't fix it fast enough.
It's also because I'm going north for school. He says he doesn't trust himself with the distance. The physical stuff is big for him, and if he doesn't have that, well, look what happens. Each good-night kiss gets a little shorter. But I suppose I should be glad he knows he couldn't handle the distance, and it's better to end now than to fix the physical aspect of things, get to a really good place and then have to call it quits in September. I told him that parts of me wish I were going to UW and he said if I was having second thoughts I shouldn't go to Western. I know I'll be happy at Western and I know I want to go there, whereas going to UW would maybe keep me with him. And that, frankly, is a really tempting thought. But I'm just a bit too average to be a Husky.
So I'm looking at this as a learning experience. I now know what I need to work on, should I ever find myself in a relationship again. I know what I need, too. I need Chris Duclos, but we both need us to be in the same place for long enough. So that's that.
I suppose I'm back where I started. I don't need to be in a relationship, I was single for 19 years. I am still fine with never getting married. I now have a good friend in Chris. It looks like we'll still hang out and just not kiss goodnight. We get along really well and I'm glad he'll still be in my life. Yeah, I wish I'd moved a little faster. But this also sucks more the more I think about it so I think this is going to end here.
Still I wish there was something you would do or say / to try and make me change my mind and stay / But we never did too much talking anyway / So don't think twice, it's all right. -Don't Think Twice It's All Right by Bob Dylan
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