"I shall be sure to say three dull things as soon as I open my mouth, shan't I?"
Sometimes I have days where I just feel really effing dull. Just straight up uninteresting. I don't do anything particularly unique. I'm not especially good at anything. I'm just sort of the short girl with the annoying laugh.
It's not really a desire for attention that feeds my frustration at being average. I think it's more that I feel like I'm wasting people's time. You could be out doing extraordinary things and meeting exciting people, but instead you're spending time in my company. My videos are boring. My stories are boring. My blog is boring. I can't recount stories to save my life; people always end up offering me a sympathy "I-don't-find-that-amusing-but-your-face-tells-me-I'm-supposed-to-crack-up-here" laugh. I had never been mocked or even noted for any weird qualities (except for my strange laugh) until I started working at my job less than a year ago. If I were a color, I like to think I'd be green or red, but I'm pretty sure I'd actually be beige. Not entirely unpleasant, but certainly not exciting.
So what keeps people around me? I've concluded that it comes down to presentation. I get excited about things. All the time. And I think that creates the sense that I'm an exciting person. That's the only thing I can figure.
I'm really bad at starting conversations. Many a time I have sat in silence with someone for minutes at a time until they come up with something to say. Even if I want to talk, I can never think of anything. I'm comfortable with silence, and I think that comes across as indifference or coldness. Not true. Say something and I'll respond. But I'm not about to ask some mindless question like, "What's your favorite movie?"
I'm going to keep this one short because the self-pity is getting to me. It's not even self-pity, really. I'm not unhappy. I'm just...unsettled. I wash my hands of this misfortune! I go now to watch Doctor Who and read The Great Gatsby. So there, universe. TELL ME I'M BORING NOW! #foreveralone
Plus Deathly Hallows Part 2 comes out in two weeks. So that's harrowing.
Some things you'll do for money, and some you'll do for fun / but the things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one. -Love Love Love, The Mountain Goats
P.S. My sister just came in and suggested watching Harry Potter or Star Wars. I swear she has emotional radar.
I see you as a sort of extension of me - like an extra limb I didn't know I needed, or something - so if YOU are boring, I'm definitely boring. And I don't really think I'm boring. Especially since you're a light saber-sword wielding arm that emits sound waves of magical music while fighting pirates and krakens. That's one hell of an arm.
ReplyDeleteThere's a difference between being boring and being bored. You might not be up to magnificent and life-altering things lately, maybe even lacking in adventures and personal contentment. But that doesn't make YOU boring. Just because you might think you're overly inactive as of late (note the 'think') doesn't mean you're a boring person.
And it's not even that you're not doing anything. You've just come to a point where things are habitual, almost regulated. Work, piano, cello, gigs with Bahia, hangage with friends, etc. Though everything but work is hella awesome, in my mind.
You're not a boring person. And your laugh isn't annoying. I don't have to wax on about your amazing qualities because you know for a fact that I would not be friends with you if there were anything unsatisfactory about you as a friend and person. So you just stop it, you silly :)
You need to spend more time with people that make you happy and doing things that make you happy. And I imagine, come September, both of those things will rocket high high high up into the sky.
<3
Jesus. I love you. And I am ridiculously excited for September, despite the fact that it will separate me (at least physically) from you <3
ReplyDeleteI'm excited FOR you, and for me :) We can do it! <3
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