I had a dream and I just want to write it down before I forget it.
In the dream, I woke up and it was a really stormy morning. I looked out my window and there was a fox in my backyard, but it was caged up. The cage was tiny, only just big enough for the fox to fit inside. The fox was big, too, the size of a German shepherd. And it was fighting really hard to get out. I couldn't figure out why my mom had trapped it and caged it up. So I ran to the back door and found her in the kitchen, and when she saw me looking outside she looked too and said, "Oh shit, it got out." The fox had managed to get out of the cage but was now struggling against the leash it was on. It was one of those leashes with a chain on the end that tightens when the dog (in this case, fox) strains against it (it was probably that way because that's the kind my dog always had so that's what my brain is familiar with). I could see that it was going to hurt itself so I ran to grab a different leash that was a little longer; I think the idea was that it would struggle less against a leash that let it move around a little. I don't know what made me think I couldn't just let it go. Fear of my mother's retaliation?
So we got out there and obviously the fox wasn't too friendly. It was snapping at me and actually had a lock on my hand at one point, but I managed to get free without hurting it (thinking back, I was pretty deliberate and probably would have hurt its jaw in real life. Dreams are forgiving that way). I slipped the longer leash onto its neck before undoing the previous one. At that point, the need to prioritize efficiency while trying not to hurt it ebbed away, and I just felt sorry for it. I kneeled down and put my arms around it, which was probably a dumb move because it could have easily ripped my face off, but at the time it was so important to me that it knew I cared and didn't want to see it tied up like this. That was the first time in the whole dream that it wasn't fighting or trying to bite me. It sort of bowed its head against my shoulder, the way mellower dogs sometimes will (more active dogs will generally not accept hugs =p ).
It's still bothering me why I didn't let it go. I could have easily taken off the first leash and just let it go. Although I don't know what my mom would have done; maybe she would have hurt it trying to capture it again. I'm guessing it was chained up in the first place for being in her garden. I hope that's where my mind was in the dream, because there is no other excuse for not letting the poor thing go.
I usually can't remember my dreams. But generally when I do, it's in a lot of detail. This one was unique because it was parallel to life in all its details; my house and back yard looked exactly the same, no weird dream-like inconsistencies. Except for the fox being big. But I could really feel everything, too, like when it bit me. And I felt its fur and the grass and the leash.
I've been thinking about foxes a lot lately. I really like them. I think part of the reason I like them so much is because of the fox in The Little Prince. I love his interaction with the Prince. I remember when I first read it I thought, "Ugh, what an old-fashioned idea, that nature WANTS to be tamed by man." But as you go along the fox becomes a device for a much more complicated idea, the idea of what it means to be tamed. "To me, you shall be unique in all the world." I like his story about the hunters, too: since the hunters have specific times when they are hunting and other times when they are in town with the girls, the fox knows exactly when he can enjoy the day without worrying about his safety. And he wants the prince to show up at the same time every day so that for the hour beforehand, the fox can be excited to see him. Which is a very interesting idea.
Why the hell didn't I let him go?
Tie those horses to the post outside / And let those glass doors open wide / And in their surface, see two young savage things / Barely worth remembering. -Damn These Vampires, The Mountain Goats
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