The Head and The Heart

Song of the Day: Sunshine by Julia Nunes

This post is in response to Michael's post. I don't have it outlined or anything, but it'll be about vulnerability and all that jazz.

I personally have a REALLY hard time letting myself be vulnerable. I can count the number of times I've cried since age 15 on one hand, and I think only one of those was in front of someone (despite my efforts to keep myself together). Before I got together with Mike, my biggest hurdle was letting myself be vulnerable enough to be in a relationship; I still have trouble expressing how I feel, not just because I'm generally inarticulate but because it's hard to just sort of spill my guts out loud. I usually use this blog for the gut-spilling, if I spill them at all.

I spent a good chunk of my life making myself "strong." To me, being strong meant not crying, not falling in love, not being vulnerable. Especially the falling in love bit, because I associated falling in love with getting hurt. I have these weird double standards with emotions; like I don't consider being in love or crying to be signs of weakness in others (quite the opposite, actually), but when I cry, for example, I feel awful and weak and foolish.

What's funny is I generally consider myself a Gryffindor. But when push comes to shove, it's REALLY hard for me to be brave and let myself be vulnerable. I had to have a lot of conversations with close friends (and Mike) that went like this:

Friend: Do you like him?

Me: Yes.

Friend: Does he like you?

Me: Yes.

Friend: Would this be a good idea?

Me: It would be a wonderful idea.

Friend: So are you going to go for it?

Me: I DON'T KNOOOOOWWWWWWW.

Because letting that happen went against everything I'd worked for over the years. Basically I had to do a cost-benefit analysis and decide whether it was worth losing my idea of strength to gain a whole new one. And it was.

I still don't cry. Mostly it's just that I don't cry very easily, but conversely I think I've trained that into myself. Music is the most likely thing to get me. If I feel like crying in a movie, it's probably because of the movie. The worst is "End of an Era" by Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls. It pretty much goes past making me cry and just sort of makes me choke and gag, so I just can't listen to it. It's sort of ridiculous. The score from Lord of the Rings threatens to choke me up sometimes too. But if tears appear, they never fall.

Welp. I'm going to have lunch. Michael, I hope you enjoy(ed) Looking For Alaska. In your John Green adventures, don't forget Let It Snow! And let yourself be vulnerable once in a while; it's almost always worth it.

And my head told my heart, "Let love grow," / But my heart told my head, "This time no." -Winter Winds, Mumford & Sons