Song of the Day: Sons and Daughters by The Decemberists
I declare this My Last Sad Post. But I need to write it.
I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling purposeless. I am tired of feeling weak because loneliness feels irrational and illogical and other "i" words with negative connotations.
I figured out what's bothering me. This loneliness is new to me. I had a pillar of support for about 10 months. It was there all the time and I didn't stop appreciating it, but I definitely got used to it. Then it just sort of got swept out from under me and I totally have the ability to support myself without it, I just have to get used to it.
This is not to say that he isn't there for me when we're apart, because that's not the case at all. But phone calls and skype are very very different from physical presence. I keep myself in this cycle of feeling sad, then feeling angry at myself for being sad, then letting myself be sad again, then getting angry at myself for letting myself get sad, and on and on and on. And my mind doesn't need that sort of abuse. It's okay to be sad, but I'm done with it. I'm done with tears and I'm done with wallowing.
I'm not under any delusion that I can snap my fingers and suddenly feel like life is Awesome and Exciting and Full Of Promise. But I can remind myself every day that it IS those things, and hopefully after a while I will listen, and after a little while longer I will stop needing the reminders. Because right now I feel absent from some people's lives, and in others I am a Weight and a Sadness and that stinks because it's making me selfish and I'd rather listen intently than whine about how sad I am that I have to be away from someone I love as if no one else has ever gone through this.
In more positive news, I hit 115 pounds today (before breakfast). 5 more to my weight goal. From there I'll decide whether I need a new goal or just maintenance. I don't have to worry about dipping below 110 because, while that's the cutoff for eligibility to donate plasma, they rejected me because only one of my arms was suitable for their needles. And apparently they need BOTH arms to have good veins? Whatever. It's cool guys, I didn't need those extra $220 a month, those wouldn't have been really really great to have at all. Especially not in the next two weeks. Nope nope, don't need that at all.
Aaaaaand back to the loving place.
I'm fallin' fast like a bird that's lost its feathers / It's been searching for a note to deliver / When
I get back, I might not say a word / But will you, will you still love me? -When I Get Back (Tailor-Made Blues), The Harmed Brothers
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The cyclical nature of sadness is terrible and is an unfortunate side-effect of being a critical-thinker. I really wish I could offer some really good advice on how to deal with it, because I have the same problem, but I don't really have any. I can only assure you that sadness is not selfish or stupid.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the progress towards you weight goal. I'm afraid that if you keep it up you'll blow away in the wind xD
Haha don't worry, I'll never get below 100 pounds because hamburgers.
DeleteIf there's a silver lining to feeling sad (which, when I'm typing, inevitably comes out as 'sliver ligning' because english), it's that you're feeling at all. Not all beings have that ability, and not all humans recognize and utilize it. We can logic and think and rationalize, but we can also irrationalize and feel and be, and that's what makes us who and what we are, as well as healthy. We're cyclical beings, for all that we change and grow too - we need the ups and downs if only to remember the downs and ups, and to be grateful things aren't completely sideways. :)
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