What Do I Do Without You?

Song of the Day: Adventures in Solitude by The New Pornographers

I recorded my audition pieces today. They'll arrive at the music department tomorrow. I am not pleased.

I thought I had felt myself improving, like I was really starting to master these pieces. Then we turned on the recording equipment and I slipped back to seventh grade. I made stupid mistakes that I never make while I'm practicing and listening to the playback I was embarrassed at how juvenile and sloppy my tone was. They shouldn't accept me. I wouldn't accept me.

I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it (but I had to say it SOMEWHERE, so here it is) because I knew I would get the automatic response: "Oh, don't put yourself down, you're really good, you're just nervous, bleh bleh bleh." No. That's not it. If the recordings sounded good, I would be really pleased. This goes beyond me being my own worst critic. This is in the realm of me simply not being a good enough musician.

I chose this path because music is my passion. NOT because I displayed a particular talent for it. There is a difference between passion and talent, a difference of which I am PAINFULLY aware. And for a while I've been trying to close the gap between them. Today I realized just how little I've been able to do in that respect. I also chose this career path really late; I didn't start taking private lessons until late in my junior year...I'm up against people who have had private teachers since they were six! What's weird is that everyone around me is under the impression that I've totally got this. And a majority of them have never heard me play solo.

The thing is, once I decided to make music my life, that was kind of it. I feel like I'll be really behind if I have to choose another major. I would probably choose English, with a minor in something religion- or history-related. Which is funny because if I hadn't done music in the first place, I probably would have focused on something else. I'm interested in filmmaking. Maybe I would have stuck with tap dancing (or would I suck at that just as much as I seem to suck at cello?). But my mind can't even really wrap around the idea of not looking at the music world from the inside. Like...what am I supposed to do if they don't take me? What do you do when someone denies you your identity?

I'm going to go start a story. The idea came to me a while ago and I recently heard a song that made me think I could maybe write it down. So I'm going to go map that out and maybe get started on chapter one tonight.

I seriously can't go through the rest of my life without ever having backstage butterflies again.

And the wind began to blow and all the trees began to pant / And the world in its cold way started coming alive / And I stood there like a business man waiting for a train / And I got ready for the future to arrive. -Woke Up New, The Mountain Goats