It's time once again for Emma Has Odd Dreams And Tries To Think Too Hard About Them! *applause*
So let's just dive right in with last night's dream. It played out very much like a movie; it started with the very end of my fall and me hitting the ground. Hard. I laid there, my eyes closed, telling myself I was going to die and to just fall asleep and let it happen. But I didn't die.
There was a flashback of sorts to how I got there. It was a twisted version of 9/11 (though I referred to it as 9/11 in the dream). There was a plane that crashed across the top of a huge building, skimming off the parking garage (don't ask me how there was a parking garage at the top of a skyscraper). I was in one of the cars that got launched off the building; for some reason I decided to fling myself out of the car. I remember really experiencing the fall, and noticing how the blind panic of a short fall goes away after the first few seconds when you have a lot of distance to cover. And then I slammed into the concrete. And didn't die.
I'm fuzzy on how I got back to my mother. As will happen in dreams, it just sort of took care of itself. She didn't seem that churned up about it. She was glad I was okay and she hugged me, but that was sort of it. I hurt all over, I could feel major bruises all over my body and I just didn't feel right. I went to look in a mirror. I was right, there were bruises everywhere, already tinged green. Parts of my body looked like they were a little out of alignment, like I had seams that weren't lining up quite right. And my face. It was all in one piece, but something was REALLY wrong with it. Something about my eyes was majorly out of sorts; I think there was too much skin around them or something. It was like the most subtly grotesque mask of my real face.
My mother's attitude was reflected in everyone else. No one seemed to care much that I had been in the 9/11 attacks and survived a fall from a skyscraper. And while I should have just been super happy and really thankful that I was alive at all, I found myself being really frustrated that no one had worried about where I was, or was worrying about my state now. No one hugged me, no one cried, no one asked me how I was doing, no one rushed me to the hospital. My mom and sister actually took me out shopping with them. Like everything was totally fine. Like nothing had happened.
That was kind of it. Everything made a lot of sense (not necessarily logic obviously, but everything was clear and there weren't a lot of time skips), and I just kept being ticked off that I was totally broken and no one seemed to give a shit. Which is really whiny and I hate that sort of mentality, but there it is. I don't really have any sort of insight as to the meaning behind it; I'm not broken in any sense right now. I'm really solidly whole, as a matter of fact. And that's not really something new.
Abbie, you know me better than anyone. Feel free to take a stab at it.
'Cause I toss / and I turn / and it doesn't feel right / Oh, save me from wakin' up tonight. -First Impressions, Julia Nunes
So you take something huge and of impact from your lifetime and internalize it, give it a personal implication. Then when no one reacts - most notably your mother - you relive the relationship (or lack of one) that you have with your mom and how she shows little emotion for and/or towards you. Basically your psychosis telling you that you have a problem with your mother and the way she treats you. Or at least that's what I got.
ReplyDeleteOn a deeper level, mayhaps there's something internal going on that no one's picking up ontoforbyabout? Maybe not even you. But perhaps there's some sort of inner turmoil no one has noticed yet, and it's annoying your subconscious cuz it's a big deal. Possibly even your mom not noticing, realizing, validating something in your life. How has she reacted or not reacted to your relationship with Mike?
Or maybe even you've been spending quite a bit of time lately taking care of others and you feel neglected. Not in a whiney, 'pay attention to meeee' kind of way - you don't get that way. But perhaps it's gotten to a point where you need a little recognition (though that may not be the best word) or at least some down time for a while.
Hot diggety. All of the words.
DeleteMy mom's definitely cool with Mike, nothing weird going on there. There's nothing that's really deserved validation/acknowledgement lately, so it's not like I've been all "I DID SOMETHING AWESOME PRAISE ME."
I don't know, I don't exactly mother anyone around me. I'm not writing off your insight, by the way, I'm trying to think more deeply about it. Damn mother, all up in my psyche.