I Was In Such A Good Mood Today, Too.

Song of the Day: You Don't Know Me - Michael Buble

If I were the protagonist of a Greek tragedy (and I am so often compared to one), my tragic flaw would, without question, be jealousy.

It's ridiculous. I am continuously shocked and a bit disgusted by how insecure I must be to get as jealous as I do. One of my best friends talks about how awesome her new roommate is: Jealous. A friend goes out with her boyfriend instead of me: Jealous. A guy friend shows interest in or even just hangs out with another girl: Jealous.

Let me break down just how fucked up that last one is. A good amount of my energy is spent making sure I don't get romantically involved. I'm gonna be really real: when nobody wants you, it's a lot easier on your ego to "not want" them first. Thinking this way makes it feel like things are on my terms and the whole situation sucks a little less. Plus I have this awful little thought cycle in which I would prefer to be friends with someone before deciding to date them, but I would never want to date a friend because things are never the same after you break up. Don't want to risk that.

So to me, it is excessively ridiculous that I care when one of my guy friends hangs out with other girls when I don't want anything to happen in the first place. Then the stupid little voice in my head goes, "It's because you hate feeling like you aren't special, meheheheh" and then I yell at it that I'm not that arrogant. And then I hit the voice with an imaginary baseball bat. Repeatedly.

After the voice regains consciousness, it says, "But you have guy friends. What does it matter if they have girl friends?" At this point I wave the bat threateningly and say, "Difference: Nobody gets jealous toward/at/because of me." Wow that sounds really self-centered/self-pitying/stupid when you put it out there. But there it is.

I hope I'm a good actor and hide my stupid jealous tendencies. Because nothing is more annoying than having your bubble burst. I'm generally pretty good about being happy for people whether I'm actually pleased or not; I do try to be truly happy for them, because I know I'm not gaining anything by raining on the parade. OH MY GOD SO MUCH SELF-PITY GET IT OFF ME GAAAHHHHHHH.

One day I'll construct a satellite / and I'll name it after you / --'cause you were the greatest friend of all / except for when you split my lip in two -- / To see the look upon your face / as I launch you into space.