I feel like I need to be told to relax a lot. Chris kept reminding me to relax when we were dancing. One of my biggest hurdles in music is relaxing and letting my emotions come through, and my teacher is constantly trying to help me do that. I've never considered myself an especially stiff or reserved person, but maybe when it really counts I am. I've been trying to suppress certain emotions for a while, and maybe that's taken a toll on everything; I've just gotten too comfortable with not displaying what I'm feeling. So now when I'm in a position where I can and even should put it all out there, it feels wrong and ridiculous and I can't. I know I can get better, I just need time. Hopefully not too much, because I am just as impatient as everyone else. Old habits die hard, and I am determined to kill this one stone dead. I don't want to become one of those girls who cry at everything (I'm never going to cry easily, it's just not who I am), but I don't want to risk people not knowing I care anymore. I want to go into my audition and show them that when I'm playing, my cello and I are one inseparable entity and that the music is simply emanating from the places where my fingers touch the strings. I want to kiss that boy before he kisses me because for the first time in my life I can be sure that he wants me to.
People are expecting a lot of me at the moment. I'm used to expecting a lot of myself, but that's different. I suddenly have to prove to these people that I'm worth whatever effort is being involved on their part. But first I have to convince MYSELF that I'm worth that effort, and that is something I've been struggling with for a long damn time. I can hear my teacher now..."That's your brain getting in the way." She has to tell me that every week. Every week I know she's right. And every week it happens anyway.
So fall down / I need you to trust me / Go easy, don't rush me / Help me out, why don't you help me out? -Never Gonna Leave This Bed by Maroon 5
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