"I'm so proud of you."
I love saying those five words. Because when I say them I really, really mean it. I love seeing someone I love accomplish something that gives them confidence and pride in themselves, and seeing them light up when I say I'm proud of them.
That being said, I love hearing it, too. But I don't, not very often. It's not like I accomplish a lot and am frustrated that no one notices. Because I have amazing people in my life who DO acknowledge my achievements. As I was telling Chris today that I was proud of him for getting invited to play with the UW Symphony, I realized that he hasn't been proud of me. Because I haven't given him anything to be proud of me for/about/whatever/fucking grammar. He will probably say it when I get into the music department at Western (I'm saying "when" to put myself in a confident mindset) even though I know he considers Western to be, shall we say, a step below UW. And they probably are. But even if I had been prepared in time to audition at the UW, I don't really want to go there. Maybe that's shooting myself in the foot, but I just don't.
Oh I lied, he did say he was proud of me once. When I ended up listening to the radio broadcast of that Sounders match I wasn't able to go to with him. He was pretty happy about that.
I'm trying not to focus on this too much because it's coming from a part of me that just seems to really want approval and I don't like that part of me. But at the same time it's such a confidence boost because if someone else is proud of me, I feel like I'm allowed to be proud of myself; it legitimizes whatever I've accomplished, I guess. #pathetic
On the upside, I seem to be inspired to be more of a go-getter. I want the people I'm proud of to be proud of me in return and, more importantly, I want to feel like I worked for and deserve that pride. Whether it's true or not, I feel like people think I took a gap year because I was lazy and/or too afraid to move forward. Well as of now there is going to be no doubt in anyone's mind about my ambition, not if I can help it. Hey world, remember that time I was passive? Hope you took a picture. COME AT ME BRO.
Well now that I've untangled that emotional silliness, I'm going to go be insecure somewhere else.
I should be locked up right on the spot / It's so on right now. -Raise Your Glass by P!nk
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